People. Pssshhhhht!

February’s theme in the Creative Every Day Challenge is “Hearts” and this month mine has certainly been cleaved in twain over and over again. I tried to be ok on Valentine’s Day. I wanted it to go by uneventfully, but some jackhole from my past hurt me and hurt me bad. I had a reason to be foul. Yes I did.

I had this fleeting idea that I might get back together with someone from my distant past. We discussed it, we toyed with it, and on Valentine’s Day he showed me just how much I need to not be considering that as an option. He apologized for hurting me but I was foolish to let him near my heart again and should have learned my lesson long ago. It was a glitch in the smooth passing holiday I was trying to ignore. Then, after him, slightly scuffed and shaken, DG threw me a little further down the lane of the scorned with an email that was 100% a “Piss-off” letter.

The thing is, I’d gotten over that. I made sure of it (with magical spells and all to get over the dumping he swore wasn’t a dumping…). I just missed our friendship, our conversations like I wrote the other day. I made a comment out of the blue because I have been truly upset at the zero time I’ve been allotted and all the brush offs, so he decided to write me a break up letter and it was pure and to form. You’re a lovely person but…(Dumping!). At this point in my life I need to focus. All I can offer you is friendship (which is all I wanted in the first place!). It just upset me like nothing else and I can’t tell you exactly why. Maybe it’s because he keeps repeating the rejection, as if I was too stupid to understand it the first time. As if I wasn’t aware that the brush off is a rejection every single time I say hello. It hurts every single time. He also sort of insulted me in other ways but I believe that’s because he doesn’t understand the scope of what I suffer with, but I didn’t need it nonetheless.

All I wanted was a reasonable amount of time and attention. We used to be actual close friends, check in on each other, speak regularly, joke, laugh, care, and so forth. He turned it off overnight. I don’t, for the life of me, understand what happened.  My instant gut reaction was that he never meant anything he’s ever said to me; that now, without a payoff, I’m not worth the time and trouble.

Is that what I deserve for caring about people? Well, Psssshhhht.

At any rate, despite his belief that I’m after something more, there is nothing now or ever that will induce me to let him near my heart again. Friends I hope we may remain since I’ve shared so much with him, but if this continues, I’m not sure that we will. It’s been a hurtful few days. What I’ve tried to do, instead of going back down my usual track of believing that all men are bad and uncaring, is to tell myself that this has just cleared the decks for my future. Now I’m open to meet someone who will truly value me should that opportunity present itself, though for right now, I’m just fine on my own. Two people let near the proverbial heart, two that stabbed it. Brilliant moves by me, again.

My son hits the double digits tomorrow and I’m going to use my energy to celebrate him and show him a good time. I so hope I can help mold him into a good man. These years are crucial and without a role model here, and I feel right guilty about this, I wonder how he will be. I can’t teach him to be a man, but I can show him what a woman shouldn’t put up with and what behavior makes mommy feel like an old sack of discarded tangerines so he knows what not to do to his girlfriend. A mother can hope.

Speaking of hope, I’m not ready to give up on me yet. I’m not back to bitter, just a little flustered by recent events but unlike my normal routine, I’m spinning a silver lining and seeing the open door instead of the closed window. Anyone who knows me will tell you that’s a bit of a miracle in itself.  This is a personal one and from a raw place, but some things you just need to get out. I’m hoping this will put it to bed. The deck’s cleared. I wonder what’s coming my way now? God, I hope it’s better.

Be Ok

Valentine’s Day. For years the very words evoked an eruption of vitriol from me that would rival that of a Vesuvius style explosion. A venomous tirade would usually take written form at some point during the day.

I’ve always hated it. Always.

My usual M.O. is to dress all in black (not unusual anyway, but I made a point of it on this day to counter-act all the pink), smoke my now outlawed clove cigarettes (which were also black), and mutter angrily. I have an array of snarky anti-valentine buttons. It’s an event.  Bitter much? You think?

This year I’ve been feeling ok. I’ve been somewhat enjoying being with myself and accepting that as a thing. That whole idea that I have to be fine by myself first has sunk in and as things have been passing by without any kind of reaction from me, I’ve been thinking perhaps this year would pass without incident. I’ve seen the displays of pink bears and heart-shaped boxes, seen people perusing the flowers, heard the commercials on the radio, displays of television jewelry, and sort of just went “Meh”. Better yet, a few times I’ve sort of thought to myself, “Well, that’s nice”. (What the ?!?!) 

All of that is a good sign…as in, I’m over it. It’s good to be over anger. It’s good to be over bitter. It’s not an attractive quality. The problem is, I’m fooling myself. Well, a little bit…

As the day draws ever nearer, I find myself accepting of my situation, yes. I’m fine being with me. I’m accepting of myself like never before (minus the donuts I ate this morning-what was I thinking?). I’ve even made plans to spend the evening with the only man in my life who I know loves me to pieces, my son. I figured we’d go out somewhere, maybe get ice cream, have some fun. It’s almost his birthday after all and there’s no one I’d rather spend a fun evening with.

Today though, I realized that I’m missing someone. A lot. Realizing that he’s not missing me is probably the worst part of that equation. Oh, I’ll get a damned Valentine card from him because I’m on his card list, but it’ll have nothing to do with me. I know that nothing will come of us and that’s probably for the best, but I miss the small stuff. I miss talking to him. I miss our afternoons chatting about randomness, all the stuff we have in common, ghosts, trips, plans, writing,  joking about stupid stuff, his bad jokes, calling him the weird names that I make up… just all the small things. Talking. I miss talking.

It came to me yesterday that he was the picture window to my fly. I could see no other way but him. There may yet be an open door off to the side, I just can’t see it, because I’m a dumb fly and the window is so bright. I can see outside. It’s got to be the way hasn’t it? You know how it is when something seems like it’s the exact thing you’re looking for and you just keep hitting your head against it over and over again?

Even though I’m over the romance part of it all, the friendship part is a big hole that I’m having a hard time with. Like I said, I miss the talking. Friend-zoned usually indicates a friendship…right? An occasional discussion? A conversation? A how do you do?…but I digress…

Now I’m back to sitting in my office alone with myself like I used to. I have no one calling me anymore, nothing much to look forward to. I know that could change at any moment. Maybe, and Universe forbid, this stupid holiday is making me sentimental and mushy. I figure it’s probably alright to miss people now and again, especially when they were a big part of your life for a while. I suppose that this is all part of the growth part of learning to be alone and blah blah blah and yadda yadda.  I’m just miserable and I didn’t want another miserable Valentine’s Day.

Of course, I’m not really miserable being alone. I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. What’s the problem? I don’t know. I may feel a bit lonely right now, but I have me, I have the boy, and I’ll have half price chocolate the day after. (Yay!) I may even buy myself some discounted flowers. That’s the spirit! Nothing says patheti-sad-single-near-forty like discount post-Valentine’s Day chocolate and flowers except maybe a cart full of Fancy Feast, litter, and Mama Celeste Pizza for One. Still, I’d rather do those things for myself than have someone else getting them last-minute for me from the corner Walgreens the night before. At least I have forethought involved and a thrifty spending plan.

My favorite new lyrics that I keep repeating today, and I woke up singing are no accident I think… “I thought I knew the answer was you, but now I know it’s always me.”  That’s how I know next year will be better than this year and why this year is easier than last year. It’s self-love day. I’m going to get the hang of this.