Day 18: Opinions

Do you worry what people think of you?

Yes and no. Don’t you love a definitive answer?

This used to be the subject that ate me up from the inside the most. My projections of what people were thinking of me would paralyze me. Negative feedback made me miserable for days. In high school, I learned to keep my opinions to myself for fear that they would be twisted and used against me. It all makes sense now, of course, now that I now what’s going on with me. This programming stretches back a long way.

When I was in school, I remember from the first day feeling judged. It was really hard for me to take. Maybe because at home I didn’t feel incredibly safe or valued, I wanted, like most kids, to be accepted and liked but for me, the rejections cut much deeper. I have had a very bad habit of taking absolutely everything personally and every word, sideways look, or awkward tone made me question myself and my worth.

I don’t know where I learned to value everyone else’s opinion over my own, or in fact to not allow myself an opinion. The thought that other kids were saying bad things about me, laughing at me, staring at me, or anything else slightly uncomfortable would make my whole world feel like it was crashing to the ground. As the years passed, it seemed to get worse. Paranoia does come along with this as well. For a while, if I heard anyone laughing, I’d assume it was at me. Some kids were indeed quite cruel to me, and I began to see everyone as dangerous and threatening.

That is all the “yes” part.

The “no” part is starting to come together. Yes, I had a bit of a back slide the other day at the butchers. Since then, I’ve learned that they’re all incredibly cool about it all over there, but the thing is, it doesn’t matter if they are or aren’t. After my initial knee-jerk reaction, I managed to talk myself out of it. It was short and didn’t cause me nearly as much distress as it used to. I’m starting to claw my way back to being myself despite others’ opinions. Everybody has one and they’re usually based on incomplete information. Most of the time it’s based on someone’s personal projections. Nothing at all about me or my worth.

Now, of course, when it’s someone I care about deeply, that changes the story. Of course I care what my loved ones think and when they reject me it carries a certain kind of sting. In the cases where I know where it’s coming from I can take it all with a grain of salt but when I don’t it’s still painful. Rejection always is. I’m still feeling more than a little sting from my last rejection. Actually “sting” is the biggest understatement I’ve ever uttered, but it’s a part of life. Lately I’ve been having to deal head on with rejection and I think it may be for a reason. It will help me find the people who truly value me for me. That’s something that I should care about far more than the opinions of “everybody”.

 

Day 12: Family Dynamics *

What’s your relationship with your family?

Like everyone, my relationship with my immediate family is complicated. I’m focusing on the family that’s local since I have family in another state who are really quite different, but I don’t get to see them often, unfortunately. Locally, there is a lot of criticism running through everything like blood through a major artery. There’s non-stop negativity and some high drama, though, also like most people, things look nice and normal from the outside.

My parents were a bit of a mess and honestly, I find it difficult to write about still. Things were not happy growing up. My dad is an unhappy person and particularly self-involved. My mother was extremely caring but had her co-dependence issues. My mother is now ill and in care. My dad remains as he always has, though now that he’s all alone in the house, I believe he understands what he’s lost. He’s a bit nicer but still remains up to his drinking shenanigans and doesn’t take proper care of himself.

The rest of the family is, like I said, critical. There’s a lot of it disguised as lighthearted jabbing, but really, no one has anything nice or supportive to say. If there’s a flaw, it gets pointed out. If there isn’t one, something is found. It’s easier to deal with now that I can see what’s going on, but as a kid, it was difficult to gain any kind of positive reinforcement.

Now that I’m older, I go out of my way to make sure my son gets that from me, since I don’t want him to think that there’s no safe place to be himself. He’s fully accepted for who he is in our tiny corner. Elsewhere, he knows to take everything with a grain of salt, or if he’s upset, I make sure to talk to him about it. Nothing is fun when you feel like you’re picked on 24/7. I know. That’s how I grew up and look at what a ball of positive confidence I am! Bahahahahaha!

These days, in my older age, I’m learning to identify other people’s crap, to distance my values from theirs, and accept my views and identity as ok, even if no one else agrees.  That’s a hard thing to do in that dynamic. I’ve tried to help another member of my family get there, but she’s a mini me if I ever saw it. I keep hacking away.

Coming upon the holidays, I’m starting to fortify myself for the dynamic of everyone being together. It’s its own kind of dysfunction like every family. All the same stories get rehashed, the insults fly, laughter erupts, I have to try to set new boundaries so that I don’t get triggered and hope for the best. Some things still set me off but I’m finally starting to get better at seeing what they are and to diffuse myself. I still get to be the acting babysitter of the drunkards, and that’s stressful for a number of reasons and sets off all manner of bad memories, but all we can do is take it a day at a time. I just got hosed with the hard stuff.

I just remember that everyone has their particular family issues. Everyone has the holiday battle to fight. Most of us make it through relatively unscathed. My job now is making sure my kid comes out less damaged than I did. If I can manage that, I will truly have a happy holiday season.

** You know, I was looking at this this morning and realized something that further shows me how skewed my thinking can be, not that any of it is untrue. It all is. It’s just the view from the family from when I was a kid. What it doesn’t show is just how lucky I’ve been in the family lottery. While I realized that I tend to see only the dark side of things, (I’m learning that’s a big part of this) I realized that my family has been there for me when no one else was. My uncle’s family took me in when I had nowhere to go. He just found me a car and fixed it up when my last car tanked it. Despite my differences in some values and beliefs, I really like them, a lot. They’ve put up with my neuroses as well, regardless of the cause and have, I believe, always wanted the best for me and my son. So, that makes things a bit more even and equal and shows that every family, and every person, is made up of the good and not so good; of what works and elements of things broken. Somehow all the pieces come together to form the intricate emotional experiences of our lives. I just needed to remember that mine aren’t all black. There have been bright colors too.

Hung Up

So, today. I’ve been doing my daily gratitude but I’ve kept it to myself for the most part. I spend a few minutes reflecting in some quiet if I can on how lucky I am. Today, I was lucky enough to bring my boy with me to work and to have a somewhat quiet day. A little too quiet actually.

I don’t really know what it’s going to take to open my eyes. I’ve decided to give up completely on the quest for love because, well, it’s enough already. There’s some burnout from all the trying, focusing and striving. I always had in the back of my mind though that maybe, just maybe something would finally tip the balance with DG. I’ve waited, I’ve hoped, I’ve tried. The truth is, the answer really is and always has been right there. I just don’t want to see it.

I’ve seen really clearly this week. I’ve made every dumb mistake in the book. I’ve waited by the phone. I’ve made excuses. I’ve accepted excuses but the truth is, everything really points to him just not being into me, for real. I’m broken down. I’m tired of trying to make something happen that just isn’t. Sometimes you want something so much that you can’t see what’s right in front of you. If it was real and meant to be, there would be nothing stopping the guy from doing everything in his power to be near me, either physically, by email, snail mail or phone. That’s what guys do apparently. If they want you, they show it through actions. No sweet talk or apologies needed. If he’s not chasing, he’s looking over the other wildebeest on the Serengeti.

Somehow the titles of “Miss Backup Plan” and “The One Until a Better One Comes Along” weren’t my dream achievements as a little girl.

So, I guess today, no matter how bad it feels,  I’m grateful for clarity.  I should respect myself more than to wait for someone who shows no interest in being with me…I’ve spent far too long looking for someone to love me instead knowing my value and operating from a place of asking who deserves me instead of who will have me. As I just read recently,  settling for someone who’s endgame isn’t me makes no sense. Yeah, the guy may never show up. I could be wrong but feeling bad all the time should tell me something about the truth I’m not seeing. I should be thankful to know now I suppose, to see with my brain instead of my heart so that I can machete through all the emotional BS. I need to remember that Big, despite the Hollywood happy ending, was really never all in or ever all out. There’s a word for that, “Limbo”. As the lovely meme lady says,”Aint nobody got time for that.”