Days 4 and 5: Apocalypse Now

The friend I described losing yesterday once described me to someone as hating life. That’s not entirely accurate. I love life. I do, though I may not beam it every second. I love a million things about life, like a good thunderstorm, clean sheets after a bath, cheesecake, movies, tea…but on occasion, and I’m sure he couldn’t understand this, it gets to be all too much. The feelings overwhelm and the world turns to a cacophonous cloud of noise that makes my skin crawl…like right now.

That’s the reason I’m combining two questions into one post and writing them a day early. It’s a raw moment. I took a big downturn today and I thought that maybe being completely honest in this state might be helpful in some way to someone somewhere.

The questions respectively are: Have you ever attempted suicide and have you ever written a suicide note? I’ve decided to combine them because two posts on this subject would just be too much. As of now, I’m having an anxiety attack. Panic more like. I’ve had to stop a few times because my heart is pounding so hard I can hear it. I’m not sure if it’s the subject matter or the fact that I’m feeling badly again over the loss of people I’ve cared about. It truly feels like I have a big hole in my chest…but moving on…

There have been many times I’ve come very close to ending myself. Why do I admit that? Why talk about such a dark subject at all? Because I’ve managed to thankfully make it past them. When I had nowhere to go, no job, and a baby to feed I came closer than I ever have. I remember the utter hopelessness and isolation I felt. I felt completely worthless and overwhelmed. It was raining non stop for days. I remember just sitting in the car crying harder than I ever had and trying to decide whether to bring the baby inside the church and leave him so he’d have a chance. No notes. Not ever. It was always a private thing.

In the end I managed to talk myself out of that idea and conquer the overwhelming feelings. Like every time before it, I’m so thankful I did. So many joys I would never have known came in the years that followed.

I had one worse one, right before my breakdown. I was at work, once again feeling overwhelmed and undervalued…invisible. The only way I can truly describe it was despair. I felt heavy, pulled down and the room I was sitting in suddenly seemed darker than it had been. There was once again that feeling of having a hole in my chest but simultaneously a pain like being speared through the heart at the same time. I was ready to disappear. Everything was too much but one thought was enough to bring me out of it. My son. I thought about how I’d never see him or hold him again and how he’d never be able to understand. I survived that day too and again, I’m so lucky I did. Some days he’s the only thing I have to look forward to, but one reason is enough. He’s always been more than enough.

So now that I’m once again in pain and having a panic attack over the loss of a friend and someone I loved completely, I realize that having those anchors is vital. Whatever it is for you, hold on to it for dear life. There really will be something you’ll be glad you didn’t miss.

Day 3: Don’t Let Me Get Me

Question of the day! It’s another tricky one too. Do you self harm? If Yes, how?

My immediate, knee-jerk, black and white answer would have to be no, I’m not one to practice self harm as it’s usually portrayed. That portrayal is most often seen in the highly misunderstood practice of cutting. From what I understand, a lot of people with BPD do practice cutting as a form of relief, which may sound weird to the person in the street, but a little understanding goes a long way and I’m starting to get it.

Being no stranger to the S&M community, I have seen it done as an offshoot and understood it in those terms, but as far as urges to do myself harm, that I only began to understand recently when I began to have compulsions to somehow get my pain out physically. It was an entirely different little monster. I haven’t begun to cut or anything of that nature personally, but I think that we tend to do ourselves harm in a number of ways. The compulsion was strong and out of nowhere. It surprised me like nothing else, but getting some of the pain “out” when I was feeling particularly bad did actually calm down the feelings.

The other thing is that while I’ve considered myself on an “upswing” or what I usually refer to as my “drastic” periods when I want to rearrange all my furniture, dye my hair, get tattooed, and  say screw it to most of my normal concerns for the sake of living fully in some impulsive way, I’ve actually caused some real detriment to myself which could be considered self harm, or at the very least, lack of self care.

The first thing was that I went off my diet. I’ve been pretty strictly off wheat and grains which has helped me in so many areas including massive weight loss and elimination of aches and pains. When I fell off that wagon, eating every bad thing, I also fell off every wagon I ever climbed up on faster than a cheetah on fire. Nothing could stop me. I started drinking again (though not to extreme), smoked, stopped a lot of the self care that I knew I should do like exercise. That’s what I consider an upswing, because I suppose, during these periods I’m actually…happy. I’m content even though I can begin to see the fallout of my choices.

So, I suppose my answer is actually yes, I do practice self harm, but by that definition, everyone does at one time or another if not to that extreme. My coach once told me that I should look at self care like taking as good care of myself as I do my son. I can tell you if I did that, things would be a lot different. Knowing that difference would be wonderful is still not enough yet to get me off the bent. It’s part of my personality. I’ll get sick of it again…like I was this morning when my pants didn’t fit. It may be time to climb back up onto that wagon if I can. Hopefully the tide will go with me…