Day 18: Opinions

Do you worry what people think of you?

Yes and no. Don’t you love a definitive answer?

This used to be the subject that ate me up from the inside the most. My projections of what people were thinking of me would paralyze me. Negative feedback made me miserable for days. In high school, I learned to keep my opinions to myself for fear that they would be twisted and used against me. It all makes sense now, of course, now that I now what’s going on with me. This programming stretches back a long way.

When I was in school, I remember from the first day feeling judged. It was really hard for me to take. Maybe because at home I didn’t feel incredibly safe or valued, I wanted, like most kids, to be accepted and liked but for me, the rejections cut much deeper. I have had a very bad habit of taking absolutely everything personally and every word, sideways look, or awkward tone made me question myself and my worth.

I don’t know where I learned to value everyone else’s opinion over my own, or in fact to not allow myself an opinion. The thought that other kids were saying bad things about me, laughing at me, staring at me, or anything else slightly uncomfortable would make my whole world feel like it was crashing to the ground. As the years passed, it seemed to get worse. Paranoia does come along with this as well. For a while, if I heard anyone laughing, I’d assume it was at me. Some kids were indeed quite cruel to me, and I began to see everyone as dangerous and threatening.

That is all the “yes” part.

The “no” part is starting to come together. Yes, I had a bit of a back slide the other day at the butchers. Since then, I’ve learned that they’re all incredibly cool about it all over there, but the thing is, it doesn’t matter if they are or aren’t. After my initial knee-jerk reaction, I managed to talk myself out of it. It was short and didn’t cause me nearly as much distress as it used to. I’m starting to claw my way back to being myself despite others’ opinions. Everybody has one and they’re usually based on incomplete information. Most of the time it’s based on someone’s personal projections. Nothing at all about me or my worth.

Now, of course, when it’s someone I care about deeply, that changes the story. Of course I care what my loved ones think and when they reject me it carries a certain kind of sting. In the cases where I know where it’s coming from I can take it all with a grain of salt but when I don’t it’s still painful. Rejection always is. I’m still feeling more than a little sting from my last rejection. Actually “sting” is the biggest understatement I’ve ever uttered, but it’s a part of life. Lately I’ve been having to deal head on with rejection and I think it may be for a reason. It will help me find the people who truly value me for me. That’s something that I should care about far more than the opinions of “everybody”.

 

Day 15 & 16: Multiplicity

Have you ever changed your opinions, depending on the people you are with?

Opinions, not so much. I may keep silent on my particular opinions depending on people I’m with, but that’s because I know who will accept polite discussion and who will not. I presume this question is meant to address the Borderline symptom of having identity issues. One thing I’m pretty good with is my opinions. I may not be able to articulate them some of the time, but when I hear things I strongly disagree with, I know it because my stomach turns and hurts, my face gets hot, and I feel uber-uncomfortable like the Swedish Chef in a French Restaurant or Beeker in an improv poetry class. Yes, I’m aware that I’m using Muppets to illustrate. I know what I agree with and what I don’t. During the few times I did try to fit in with people and express feelings that were incongruent with my own, I felt, you guessed it, sick. Identity is a complex thing, so I’m happy to have one corner figured out. I’m not great at deception or waffling unless the issue is one I can’t argue myself into a clear side on. What’s that? A grey area?! No!

Which leads me into what does change and Day 16’s question, Does your style (clothing, hair, etc.) change a lot?

How I’ve dressed over the years hasn’t changed so much. That’s mostly been due more to a lack of options than a lack of desire. Most of my life (until now really) I’ve been horribly overweight. Clothes for fat women, (and yes, I’m using that word fat… people still treat us heinously so I’m using the undignified word) would be unflattering on anyone. Of course, I’ve never been able to stylishly dress myself until now when I’m finally paying attention to working on it and have more options available. The thing about that is, my style, like most people’s has changed with my interests. Those phases I spoke about yesterday did come with changes in style in some cases. I had a country phase, a hard rock phase (shudder…fringe!), a 1940’s phase, and of course my long standing Gothic sensibility that always threaded through. I’ve never found myself particularly able to settle on one thing and as I changed who I looked up to, I modeled the style after them as a starting point.

Right now I think I’m finally settling in to something that works, but even this is based on someone else’s style. Just because it works for me doesn’t mean it’s uniquely mine. Just today at the funeral service I was working, someone came in with a dress, boots, and a coat that went together so well. I loved it. I thought that maybe I could do something like it, though it’s nothing like my current theme. When it comes to personal style, I’m still afloat in a sea of possibilities though I think I have a tether now. My hair has changed radically in the new incarnation. I’ve dyed it so many colors, cut it, grew it out, you name it. I miss the purple the most.

So, if I could have pulled it off, I”m sure I would have changed a lot more often. Now that I’m older, I can’t get away with a lot of the things I used to wear, and really don’t want to. I’m down to admiring those that do and still have my moments of longing when I see them pull off who they uniquely are. My style is based on a fictional character, but I’m starting more and more to know who I am. I’m just picking a character close and going with it, someone I wouldn’t mind showing up like, someone I identify with. You never know, as I add traits to the woman I want to be, the character I’m building, I may just wake up one day and be her.