Day 23 – Smile and Nod

Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!).

To be honest, I don’t get annoyed much anymore. For the longest time just the sight of a happy couple or the mention of someone’s boyfriend in a conversation would send my eye to twitching. Over the past months as I’ve realized that I can really be happy alone, it doesn’t phase me much anymore. I’ve actually caught myself watching My Fair Wedding a few times with no negative effects. Progress I think. There was, however, one recent time when the whole subject irked me. Getting advice on ending your single life from a happy couple is always so much fun, isn’t it?

It was a random weekend and my relatives were going on about a trip they were taking and one of them seemed less enthused about it. I asked him why he agreed to go since it wasn’t his thing at all. Well, it it became a big discussion about how relationships were a compromise and how I’d never get everything I wanted, that I should be less picky. At that point it was brought up that I should try this new online dating site. When I pointed out that I didn’t subscribe to the religion it was based around, I actually heard these words of advice,  “Who cares? You can fake it. You’re getting older and you need a man around the house.”

So the happy couple was giving me the message that faking my most deeply held beliefs was better than being alone. Somehow neither of them batted a lash at this. It made me wonder just how fake their relationship was, how much each of them was lying to the other, and if either of them realized that implication for themselves when they’d said it. According to that advice, being dishonest about myself was preferable.  Somehow being in a relationship is supposed to trump being true to myself because, you know, compromise. At that point it was more stories about how each of them did things for the other that they didn’t enjoy because you have to.  Compromise is all well and good, and it’s not that I’m incapable of it, but I’d much rather be alone and real than fake and in a relationship that won’t last the second a little tremor reveals it’s shaky foundation.

I’m over hearing about it. I’m over couples’ advice, I just smile and nod and wait for them to stop. That was the last time I got the eye twitch and the last time I argued on the point. I’ve decided no matter what the examples are in front of me, I’m going to follow my heart on this one. What the heck is the point of a relationship if you’re not allowed to be yourself? Now that I think about it, I wonder if that present they got me was really from where they said it was from…hmmm.

Day 5 – Uh, not really.

Today’s blogging challenge topic: The biggest misconception you think people have about single life. You know, when I started this challenge, I read through the questions, and while some of them seemed to make me think, I thought I knew where I was going in most cases. Today for example. I had an answer when I read the question, but like most of these so far, the real answer has come sneaking up on me like every one of my kid’s school projects.

I alluded to what I thought it was back on day one, that people assume there’s something wrong with you, but honestly there are so many, and so many that cancel each other out. There’s the idea that yes, indeed there’s something wrong in your old noggin that keeps you from “holding on to a man” (or woman) or some bad habit like being a serial cheater, a gold digger, cold-hearted…or, you know, an axe murderer… or whatever the case may be. There are others like maybe a lack of commitment on your part, a deep-seeded insecurity, attachment to your parent or pet, or unconscious issue that just makes you less than marriage material. The “Flawed” Theory. This can also be thought of as The “Crazy” Theory.

Then there’s the idea that single people are mad party animals who go out every night and lack any form of stability and quite probably go home with a different person every night (the misconception I think most married folk envy). Somewhere in her head your dear Aunt Martha believes that you’re sneaking out to a rave, wearing something indecent that should only see the light of night on Halloween, and snorting something that she takes for her angina. The “Party Animal” Theory, aka The “Player” Theory.

And there’s the one that I’m going with. Now, this one I think is the most insidious because up until the past few days, I believed it myself. That’s right folks, I fell for it. It’s the one that says that if you’re single, you’re miserable and lonely. The lonely single watching tv crying into their Lean Cuisine or Pizza for One. The image I’ve held forever is from one of my favorite films, Hitchcock’s Rear Window. One of the neighbors that Jimmy Stewart spies on through his lens is one he dubs Miss Lonely Hearts. She’s a single woman who dines alone pretending that her prince charming is across the table from her. She laughs, she dances, she makes interesting conversation. She acts as if he’s there. When she ends up with a real date, the guy turns out to be a cad. (Yes, I said cad!) She slaps him and cries and goes back to the man of her dreams in her dreams. This is the circle of disappointment I’d convinced myself life as a single woman was bound to be.  The “Lonely Hearts” Theory.

The other night when I realized that I felt more free than lonely, that misconception came crashing down. Suddenly I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel the need to need. I looked around and realized that I knew people that lived quite happily alone and that I could have been one of them all this time if I hadn’t been so busy making myself miserable pining for what I didn’t have instead of being more grateful for what I did have. I could be happy enjoying my own company. I didn’t have to buy into the idea that single meant lonely. It doesn’t.

Now some of these may be true for some single people and most likely more than a few, after all, clichés are clichés for a reason, but as a single mother I can tell you that I can afford to be neither the party animal, unstable or completely crazy. I just happen to be on my own.

I’ve seen my fair share of crappy relationships, silent relationships, faked relationships, abusive relationships, and episodes of All in the Family to know that everybody coupled isn’t necessarily living in bliss. Being single can mean that I don’t want to be in one of those. I want to be appreciated. I want to be paid a little attention, actually way more than a little. I want to be listened to, respected, and missed when I’m not around. I will settle for no less than that because I would do no less for the other person. Being single simply means that I have not yet found someone willing to do the same for me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, or anything to misconstrue.