Vegas Baby

 There’s no denying that I’ve had my share of heartache, especially over the past year. Relationships are my sore spot, since I have all sorts of anxieties around bonding with people and the constant fear of abandonment that comes with my particular diagnosis. During those dark moments when I’m obsessing over what went wrong between DG and myself, (or any of my exes and myself) I’ve turned to one source over and over again…Miss Mandy Hale aka The Single Woman.

I can’t even remember what it was that brought her to my attention. It may have been a book sale or a recommendation when I was looking up dating advice or how to survive when you go from the it girl to the avoided girl. I remember reading her Guide to Letting Go and Moving on and being thoroughly uplifted, which, believe me kids, is a hard feat to pull off. I’d never had such to-the-point, heartfelt advice that stayed with me. I swear I could have taken several of her quotes and pasted them on my bathroom mirror to recite in the morning as mantras.

After that, like a sign from the heavens, I came across her 30 Day Blogging Challenge and that was a revelation. Taking on the Single Woman’s daily questions not only opened me up from the little ball of pain I was and got me thinking and challenging the relationship I was stagnating in, but it got me writing too, and from a hopeful place. (Also, not an easy thing to pull off). I’m not one to tout other people’s stuff, but so far, not only has her new book, I’ve Never Been to Vegas, But my Luggage Has, already given me a quote to hang on the bathroom mirror, (“When you stop blooming where you’ve been planted, it’s time to put down new roots.”) but it’s given me something incredibly close to my own experience to relate to. Her account of going through panic attacks and deep depression, both of which I’m currently starting to heal from myself, have my agnostic brain calling this book a blessing. Yeah, I said it…

I’m in the midst of a marathon read in the hopes that it will bring me the same uplifting push towards self-confidence that her other books have (I read her other books in one day flat). When you’re circling a drain, synchronicities are much appreciated. I’m open to the possibility, and so far whenever I need a good kick in the pants and a shot of belief in myself, her words are put in my path like an elixir. She has an incredible talent for being both inspirational and concise.

Though I’m not quite at the end, I’m getting that no matter the slings and arrows (or lousy relationships), we all have a path to walk. That path may not be what we thought it was going to be, but the detours are marked if we care to look, each one a lesson. We can end up in an entirely different place than we imagine, but after our hissy fits and self-deceptions, we find that can be a better place, a more rewarding place, and beyond anything we thought we wanted. For the first time in a long time, I feel lit up with hope that I can find my own overgrown trail to walk toward my destination. I’m grateful, hopeful, and full of it. It’s wonderful to have the tools to create your own upswing, and this new book has definitely been one of them for me. Inspiring stories do that for you. I can only hope one day to have my own to bless people with. Until then, I’m going to keep reading and keep watching for those exit signs.

Recognize the End

What was the last thing you contemplated leaving? What were the pros and cons? Have you made up your mind? What will you choose?

It’s rather funny that today’s prompt should be about endings. This day has revolved around that very subject. Actually, all week, I’ve been contemplating leaving things in a number of ways, some less than healthy and some much needed. When you come to the realization that where you are is not where you’re meant to be and that you’re beginning to wither from being planted in the wrong place, everything begins to change.

While there are times I feel blessed to be in my job, for example, when a family has truly found closure because of what we’ve done, it’s great. Most of the time, however, I find myself emotionally drained by it. For the most part, I try to be someone who is compassionate and helpful during one of the most difficult of life’s challenges and transitions, but what I’ve found is that I give much more of myself than I should and end up taking home grief that doesn’t belong to me. There isn’t much joy between these walls and they are the same four walls every day, spent alone or with grieving family members. It’s become a challenge for me to get to the end of the day, and when I do, I find the rest of my day much the same.

 It’s what routinely is referred to as “a rut”. I can tell you, I’m tired of listening to this record skip over and over again. I’d like to get to a chorus eventually. Some joyful singing. A revelation. A plot twist. Something new is needed.

While, lately I’ve been convinced, due to I’m sure what is partly my illness, to shuffle off the mortal coil, the rational brain that’s in there somewhere is actually crying for a change. I just can’t see the direction. I have to believe that one will make itself known. The wait is sure unpleasant though. As with any painful transition, there are growing pains.

It seems like I’ve been searching for my purpose forever and I’m still not sure where it lies. I’m opening up to the possibilities. The one thing I do know is that it’s time. When you begin to hate your life, it’s a big, fat sign that you need to move on. Right now I have no idea what the choice will be. There are no pros or cons to weigh until a direction opens up, but the decision is the first step. It’s time. I’m done here.

The other big revelation is that I finally got closure, well, somewhat, in my strained relationship. It is indeed over. The bandage has been ripped off and there’s nothing left to ponder or wonder about. I’m on my own to discover what it is that makes me happy. Things feel at once more hopeful already, even though, as an ending, it feels sad. This one gutted me though and through, but I needed the lesson. The finality of it has set me free in a way. The world is open to the boy and me. It may seem silly, but there will be some way shown. Things do have a funny way of directing you. I just wish the universe would hurry up a bit.

Day 19: Interlude

What are some lyrics that describe what you’re going through right now?

Funny coincidence. I was just realizing that I keep listening to my divorce song this week. It’s a painful reminder but apt. Yes, I know, I’m still going on about being “friend-zoned” but it being at the level of Severus Snape, I think I’m allowed a little bit of wallow time. Everything else seems to be clearing up. I’ve mended some issues with friends, gotten along better at work, have some new support, a new car, gifts to wrap, but sitting there in the middle of it all is the damned rejection that’s eating away at me. If I read the word “friends” one more time I swear I’m going to be driven to gouge out a major organ. Yes, nothing is supposed to have changed. As we always have been, we’re friends…(ugh!) but there’s still mourning the death of my hopes and they were mighty big ones.

I’ve been waiting forever to find someone who fit so well with me. We made big plans. I meant them. I’m starting to wonder if there were any true feelings on the other side of this. Given how easy this has all been for him, well…I do wonder if anyone is ever going to have pain for my absence, if anyone will ever miss me. Anyway, it all fell into place so well in the beginning and now I have to watch it all spin down fate’s unforgiving drain. It’s all my fault. This “condition” I have makes me really hard to live with. The fact that what’s supposed to be such a small shift has sent me so far off the scale with suffering is a clear sign of the extreme effect. It’s the huge fear of abandonment that’s the center of this disorder and it’s been tripped big time. It may not even be about him, but the fear that was engaged by the event itself. After it passes, I may be able to sensibly say to myself that it’s all fine, that nothing has truly changed and get on with my life as it has been, just sans false hopes. So, on to the song…a condensed version because there’s no need for repeats…

During every big “relationship change” I’ve had, it’s always Evanescence that captures perfectly my feelings. “Missing” is the go to song. It’s apt from beginning to end. Every time. This time. It’s on repeat right now…

“Missing”

Please, please, forgive me
But I won’t be home again
Maybe someday you’ll look up
And barely conscious, you’ll say to no one
Isn’t something missing?

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed
Knowing you don’t care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I’ll wake without you there
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Day 15 & 16: Multiplicity

Have you ever changed your opinions, depending on the people you are with?

Opinions, not so much. I may keep silent on my particular opinions depending on people I’m with, but that’s because I know who will accept polite discussion and who will not. I presume this question is meant to address the Borderline symptom of having identity issues. One thing I’m pretty good with is my opinions. I may not be able to articulate them some of the time, but when I hear things I strongly disagree with, I know it because my stomach turns and hurts, my face gets hot, and I feel uber-uncomfortable like the Swedish Chef in a French Restaurant or Beeker in an improv poetry class. Yes, I’m aware that I’m using Muppets to illustrate. I know what I agree with and what I don’t. During the few times I did try to fit in with people and express feelings that were incongruent with my own, I felt, you guessed it, sick. Identity is a complex thing, so I’m happy to have one corner figured out. I’m not great at deception or waffling unless the issue is one I can’t argue myself into a clear side on. What’s that? A grey area?! No!

Which leads me into what does change and Day 16’s question, Does your style (clothing, hair, etc.) change a lot?

How I’ve dressed over the years hasn’t changed so much. That’s mostly been due more to a lack of options than a lack of desire. Most of my life (until now really) I’ve been horribly overweight. Clothes for fat women, (and yes, I’m using that word fat… people still treat us heinously so I’m using the undignified word) would be unflattering on anyone. Of course, I’ve never been able to stylishly dress myself until now when I’m finally paying attention to working on it and have more options available. The thing about that is, my style, like most people’s has changed with my interests. Those phases I spoke about yesterday did come with changes in style in some cases. I had a country phase, a hard rock phase (shudder…fringe!), a 1940’s phase, and of course my long standing Gothic sensibility that always threaded through. I’ve never found myself particularly able to settle on one thing and as I changed who I looked up to, I modeled the style after them as a starting point.

Right now I think I’m finally settling in to something that works, but even this is based on someone else’s style. Just because it works for me doesn’t mean it’s uniquely mine. Just today at the funeral service I was working, someone came in with a dress, boots, and a coat that went together so well. I loved it. I thought that maybe I could do something like it, though it’s nothing like my current theme. When it comes to personal style, I’m still afloat in a sea of possibilities though I think I have a tether now. My hair has changed radically in the new incarnation. I’ve dyed it so many colors, cut it, grew it out, you name it. I miss the purple the most.

So, if I could have pulled it off, I”m sure I would have changed a lot more often. Now that I’m older, I can’t get away with a lot of the things I used to wear, and really don’t want to. I’m down to admiring those that do and still have my moments of longing when I see them pull off who they uniquely are. My style is based on a fictional character, but I’m starting more and more to know who I am. I’m just picking a character close and going with it, someone I wouldn’t mind showing up like, someone I identify with. You never know, as I add traits to the woman I want to be, the character I’m building, I may just wake up one day and be her.

Day 10: Randomness

What kind of impulsive decisions have you made?

Well, what a can of worms to open up. That requires some deep thought. Just today I’ve made a couple of random decisions that aren’t in my best interest. I’ve hit the anger phase of my breakup. Yesterday I spent the afternoon in my therapist’s office crying like an ass after making an emergency appointment. Today I’m returning to my evil queen splendor. I’m just angry at myself for falling for it. I mean, for crap’s sake, my ex husband warned me. He had his number all along. If that doesn’t scream “move on” I don’t know what does, but like the pure Opheliac I am, I wanted to believe so much that I ignored it all. Now I get to drown in the ankle-deep water because I was stubborn.

Like I’ve said before, I tend to get drastic. During my upswing, or my hypomania…I started drinking (yes, I’m the reason the rum is gone), I got a new tattoo (of my Evil Queen complete with poison apple), I went OFF the diet, I spent money on every dumb thing since I love giving people things, and bought myself a new computer, a necklace shaped like a human heart (I really have a theme going here), and lunches and dinners I had no business indulging in. Then I had that lovely moment of almost driving myself off a cliff after being dumped…

Even all of that recent hooplah is small beans compared with probably my biggest impulsive decision…getting married. I call it impulsive because at the time I had only known him for 6 months. I did, in the back of my mind question everything. I had sensible guidelines but of course I ignored them all, just like I recently have with DG. I think it’s entirely true that every one of my relationships save one was the result of going against my better judgment. I, as always, went Looney Tunes, as in the cartoons…(A man!). I had the very “American Splendor” point of view that I’d marry anyone who would have me. I was so convinced that no one ever would that I jumped in with both feet. I gave him opportunities to escape. He didn’t take them. I did try to be responsible but my sense gave way to my intense need and feelings.

Oddly enough, that rash decision has led, after a very long period of mourning on my end, to a solid friendship. He’s one of the very few who won’t budge or bolt. He drops everything to make me laugh, to talk me out of some of my ridiculousness, and to just tell me random things.  Some impulsive decisions end up if not being all good, end up not all bad.  I got my son out of that one after all. The hair colors pass, the tattoos don’t but I’ve had pretty good luck considering. There has been some deeply painful fallout as well but I’m still here somehow. I’m coming off that cycle and back down. We’ll see how that goes. I”m trying not to make any rash decisions based on my feelings which are highly changeable. Right now I’m angry, never a great time to think, or drive.  So I’m going to wait and try to focus on getting better by myself. My first impulse is to never let anyone close to me again, but I’ll sit with this and wait for it to pass. Everything does eventually.

A New Challenge

So being greatly in need of venting and for a reason to write…actually I’ve had plenty of reasons to write but I’ve tried to take some care of myself for a little while with varying results…I’ve found a new 31 Day Challenge. I’m a few months late but I figure, better late than never.

It’s one that is newly close to my heart as I’ve recently found out that I’m likely to be suffering from this particular “personality style” as it was put to me. I also may not know for a few years if it’s “Borderline” or “Bi-Polar”. Yay for me! As frightening as it’s been, it’s also made sense of so much I’ve felt in the past, so I’m counting all revelations good…well,  these next ones take some effort…

It’s been a rough week of vacation. I finally had the conversation and DG and I are no more. It seemed to be his idea as much as mine and although I knew it was coming, it was still a huge loss. I lost an important relationship in him. I also experienced the sudden death of another friend and nearly lost myself as well while driving.

I nearly drove off a cliff. For real.

You’d think one near fatal car crash would be enough wouldn’t you? It’s really true, never drive angry or upset. To be clear, no, I didn’t do that on purpose. I was thinking too much, upset by recent conversations and couldn’t have picked a worse road to go down in that state. Sea cliffs and sharp drops. I may be a drama queen sometimes, but that’s not my preferred way to go. I think I’d go more for a theatrical scene more than squished on a rock, but I digress… I had some extreme anxiety and panic attacks afterward but it also made me think.

All the talk you hear about living in the moment finally hit me after all of that happened within a few days. Oddly enough it came to me over a pear. Yep, a squishy, gritty, sweet, bell shaped, near-rotten pear. I’d gotten a bag of them and meant to eat them, I really did. Time went on and I’d look at them and do something else. I was down to the last one that looked somewhat viable but it was a toss up. I stared at it.  I thought about it for a minute and thought, damn it I really want a pear. Just eat the damned thing! What are you waiting for? If you want a pear, eat a pear. What if it’s the last pear you ever eat?

Yes, it’s a random train of thought but it brought home the larger point. What am I waiting for in all areas of life? If I want it, do it!

So, one thing I want to do is write about this new road I have to travel. I figure, if you have something you’re going through, and sharing about it might help one person, it’s worth the time…plus I get to write and (hopefully) remove some of the stigma. There’s other stuff that comes up and it’ll all be good. I get to learn what it is to be human and how to choose what that looks like for me. What better journey could a person have to explore?

Day 28 – To Boldly Go

Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc. A few years ago, well now, several years ago I was in a rotten position. I’d been left alone with a child to raise, recently lost my job, and found myself without a place to live. It was a rough time to be sure. I was riding a long streak of low spirits and lower hope. I had spent a good year applying for jobs and while I had interviews, I was always left the bridesmaid hoping to catch the bouquet when the final decisions came down. It was frustrating.

I’d come from doing trade show graphics work and in relocating to a new county to stay with family, found all of those prospects nearly dried up. I applied everywhere I could. I tried for assistant positions, clerical positions, anything I could find. I had a son to raise after all. I interviewed at a few sign shops and decided to go for broke and try random things that always interested me. I had two interviews in the same week which I sort of phoned in by that point and gave up the results to fate. I ended up with two job offers on the same day. There was a world of difference between the two careers. I had a decision to make.

The first position was with a graphics supply company. I was familiar with the products and the place was nice and small. I would work with two other women taking orders and talking about graphics products. It was something I could do and the pay, though half of what I was used to making in my graphics shop, was enough to get things started on the right track. On the other hand, I had a random interview with a mortuary, which I had no previous experience with, but which I’d been drawn to for ages. I managed somehow to get that job at the same pay rate as the other. There were no clear incentives either way.

I don’t know what got into me. My sensible self told me to go with graphics. It was safe. I had experience. I could parlay that into maybe a similar position to my old job which was way more creative. There was something eating at me though. If I never went with my other interest, I would never know what it was like or of I could do it. I read somewhere that when faced with two possibilities, you should always take the bolder path.

So I did.

The next day after I’d turned down the job at the graphics company, the president of the company called me to ask me personally to reconsider. I remember telling him that I felt the need to go down a new road. I’ll never forget his stunned silence when he asked me what type of work I chose to do. Since then, everyone else has told me how perfect I am for the work I do, which I’m both flattered by and a bit taken aback by. I just know it would have eaten at me, taking the safe road.

I should really take my advice now since it feels like another one of those crossroads moments. Hopefully I’ll have a clear sign and something I love to move on to. In the meantime I’m quite fine being the quiet mortuary girl with the calming voice. If people only knew!

Day 20 – Shock and Awe

Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it.

This has been one I’ve avoided all day. It’s still painful to revisit even after all these years, probably because we remain in each others’ lives. We share a son, we are still friends, but the breakup itself was one of the most devastating times of my life. I’m referring here to the breakup of my marriage.

We were married five years when my husband decided to leave. We married way too young. He was 19, I was 23. We had such high hopes but as these things go, it was just too much too fast for him. I thought that everything was fine. He ended up telling me some ridiculous story to explain his decision which I tried so hard to believe because it was easier than seeing the truth. The weeks leading up to his leaving were the most painful of my life. It killed my heart in a way that I’ve never come back from. I helped him move out and cried every second of it. He finally walked away on the 4th of July, which is probably why to this day I can’t stand the holiday.

Shortly after he left, and he left as far as a person could leave, in the midst of my grief I began to get sick. I was crying all the time and couldn’t cope. I had my first serious panic attack symptoms during that time, but the nausea never quit. It wasn’t long before I realized that the man who just left was about to be a father and I had no way to tell him. It was the worst time of my life. I had done all of the divorce paperwork myself before I realized my condition. He wasn’t coming back. I was alone, pregnant and shortly to be jobless as well as our company was downsizing the department. My whole life fell apart in a few short months.

Since, of course, I managed to get in touch with my ex again.  He stayed in touch and checked on me, he was there when our son was born, he visits often still. We developed a friendship mainly because of my belief that the kid deserved parents that got along, not that hate each other. I had a lot to forgive, but my son was worth it. Still, things never felt truly over. Some days they still don’t. It took me years to get over this experience. I’m still smarting from some of the effects but I did learn a hell of a lot about myself.

One thing is that I’m stronger than I realized. We all are, every one of us. Yes, I have my anxiety and depression to contend with which adds some extra flavor to the struggle, but I managed to survive a devastating breakup and a solo pregnancy at the same time. I somehow picked myself up off the floor and rebuilt a life for my boy and I, one Lego at a time.

Another is that letting go is crucial. I can’t tell you how many years I spent waiting for him to come to his senses and come back, even after everything that happened. I stewed in my grief until I was so overcooked a cat wouldn’t touch me. If I had loved myself enough, I could have let go and moved on for me.

That last one is probably the most important. It just keeps coming up doesn’t it? Maybe I should listen! I’m still working on it. I didn’t like myself much. I didn’t treat myself well or with respect, so why on earth would anyone else? I was a squishy pink thing crying on the floor. With that departure my self-worth plummeted. I blamed myself, figured I wasn’t enough; that no one could ever love me. It’s easy to wallow and obsess in loneliness. I’ve learned, finally…finally how important it is to put yourself and your life goals first. I gave up so much of myself and stopped so much of what I loved in that relationship so in the end it was a good thing that it ended. It never feels like it at the time, but I had lost myself and if you lose you, you truly do lose everything.

Day 18- Dear Me, Love, Me

Today’s grand quest…If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

Well, seeing as how I was a complete pain in the butt when I was a teenager, I probably wouldn’t listen to myself, leading to an epic slap fight which would probably bring an end to our whole timey-wimey, wibbly wobbly sort of universe. I was good like that. I was an ass. An overly dramatic ass at that. Come to think of it, I still am…

Firstly, after apologizing for giving myself the big red palm mark, I would probably gasp and face-palm myself mostly for the hair staring back at me. I would then tell myself the most important thing. It would take care of the bad hair, the bad habits, and the overt, pain-fueled drama, the people pleasing, all of it. I would tell myself that even though I didn’t have one secure place to be, that you can be your own secure place,.. To start inside first instead of looking outward for my self-worth. My dad never had anything good to say, things were unstable and scary. I felt less than all of the time and I wanted to escape. I know now that all of  my reactions to that were ok. It was ok to be scared. Who wouldn’t be? It was ok to be angry. It was ok to be me. I would have given myself a big hug and told  that younger me that no matter how bad her hair was, or what bad role models she currently had, that I loved her, and that would be the key to so many of life’s challenges.

Learning to find that small voice inside, that stable place would save her from trying to find it in lousy, untrustworthy friends, a bad marriage, kept her on track in school, given her courage to leave an unhealthy environment, and saved the world from a book full of really bad poetry. It would have saved her from the drinking and the smoking and the stupid, unhealthy eating of her feelings to fill that hole. It also would have saved her favorite frilly shirt from the torch while trying to write said bad poetry in candlelight. (Never mix ruffles, tears, and open flames kids!). Yes, I’m sure I used the word “plummeted” in there somewhere.

I would also beg myself to get counseling now so we wouldn’t have to go through it later. How much easier would it be to tackle those abandonment issues when they were fresh? Deal with my dad’s stuff and realize it wasn’t me? That no one’s behavior was me but them? Priceless. Save myself from years of spiraling anxiety, panic, and depression that really started then? It would have been a miracle if I had support back then in the midst of all the drama. It would have been life changing. It would have helped me stay my course and trust in myself enough; believe in myself enough to not give my goals up for the promise of a relationship or to please anyone else. I also wouldn’t have taken crap for my love of black.

The last thing, and it ties in as well, is to stop caring about other people’s opinions. Now, that’s not to discount criticism or disregard well-meant advice, no. If I had learned then not to value others’ opinions of me more than my own, I wouldn’t have tortured myself nearly as much as I have over the years. Kids tear themselves apart to fit in only to find later on that they’ve lost themselves and now have to rediscover what makes them unique to stand out. I made some bad decisions, and some horrible fashion choices, even for then, but to learn to be and stay authentically me no matter what the surrounding storm, that would be the main point; the only point. Love and love first from within. Be authentic. Don’t try to please everyone because you can’t. Then you can shine outwardly – even darkly. I would get that across no matter what… even if I had to say it over and over and over, with charades, photos, Pictionary, or even the odd slap fight, space-time continuum be damned.

Day 15 – Closure

Day 15 and we’re half way there. Today’s subject is truly difficult. I thought I knew what I was going to write about but a strong feeling of being punched in the gut has instructed me otherwise. I promised myself I’d be 100% authentic in this challenge and I intend to keep that promise to myself. It may not resonate with everyone, but honesty is usually the best way to go. So, narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for? Instead of a two-way conversation, I just have something to get out that doesn’t really require response and would probably do better without one.

I’m not sure what outcome I’d hope for. I’m not sure what any of it is about. I don’t know what I want to be said. I just feel awful and I’m not sure exactly why. I thought I was over this. Long over it. The last time we talked about it, you told me you had still harbored feelings but no longer did. It was too late for me to do or feel anything about it. I was just stunned for a while and then got over it, I thought I had…again. Now, hearing how much you like someone else should make me happy. It gutted me instead. I didn’t expect that. I have no basis in reality for it. Perhaps I’m just selfish and don’t want to be replaced. I have noticed your absence. I did figure that your time has been spent mostly now with the new friend. Why am I not happy? Why do I feel pierced?

There’s nothing to say and there’s nothing to be done. It didn’t work before. Nothing has changed so much that it ever would now. It’s old water under a crossed bridge. So why am I crying? There’s no point opening up old wounds. This time it happened to be accidental. I’m sure it’ll close on it’s own. I don’t want it to mean that you don’t tell me things. I don’t want it to mean that you keep secrets. We’ve always been open about everything but this. I will learn to handle whatever this is.  It’s that old fear of being left alone. It’s the bigger fear of losing the best person I’ve ever known over something that should have been easy and should have flowed. I’m no more ready or stable. I’m certainly no younger or any more free-spirited. I guess I wish we could just have been more open and had it all on the table when it mattered. There’s really nothing to say now that does. No outcome that will make any difference. I just love you. I guess I always will. It will never be a “thing” and that’s okay. It obviously wasn’t meant to be and I’ll deal with it. Just don’t ever go away.
WM