Square One

I’ve wanted to post a lot more than I have. There have been a lot of daily prompts that I’ve found interesting and could have made funny. I’ve wanted to be funny. The problem is, I’m back to where I’ve started feeling weird. I’m in the midst of an anxiety attack. Square one. Not a great place to be. Not funny for sure.

One of the prompts was called Mirror, Mirror and wanted to know what you see when you look, you guessed it, in the mirror. Lately, with my recent weight gain, it’s been less like the evil queen I’ve so identified with and more like those boobie dolls Cher was making in the Witches of Eastwick…but now, I’m to shaky to even look. The mirror is showing me a strung out junkie but not because I am, but because that’s what I feel like.

Yay for my psychiatrist. He has tried. Really he has. He’s tried a number of combinations to make me feel better but I think we’ve yet to get it right. As of now. the stuff I’m on makes my skin crawl. I want to do laps and squats and run away and back again to get the feeling in my legs to stop. I can’t sit still. Writing is really hard as is sitting to do my job of data entry. I, of course, have some pills for that too, but it’s up and down. Ugh! Some days I feel exhausted and just want to sleep, others I want to exercise all day, which you’d think would stop this whole weight problem wouldn’t you?

That’s another thing. I’m disappointed. I’ve gained a full half of my lost weight back. I can’t tell you why. Self-sabotage? Self destructive behavior? When I look in the mirror, I’m not sure who’s looking back; the queen, the Borderline, the good listener, the aspiring writer, the loving mother, the anxiety-ridden mother, the self-conscious overweight woman, or someone else.

I was in the bathtub earlier and it occurred to me that no matter which was true, and I took a good hard look at what was in front of me, that I didn’t hate what I saw, boobie doll or not. I was okay with me. I may not be the ideal of the 99.9% but I think I’m ok. I think it’s ok to like me the way I am . The only thing I’m not ok with is the way I feel right now. I want to feel normal, whatever that is. Not strung out, not exhausted, not full of the heebee jeebies, not needing to run a marathon, not needing to sleep; just able to sit down and read a book or write a post like anyone could. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Day 15 & 16: Multiplicity

Have you ever changed your opinions, depending on the people you are with?

Opinions, not so much. I may keep silent on my particular opinions depending on people I’m with, but that’s because I know who will accept polite discussion and who will not. I presume this question is meant to address the Borderline symptom of having identity issues. One thing I’m pretty good with is my opinions. I may not be able to articulate them some of the time, but when I hear things I strongly disagree with, I know it because my stomach turns and hurts, my face gets hot, and I feel uber-uncomfortable like the Swedish Chef in a French Restaurant or Beeker in an improv poetry class. Yes, I’m aware that I’m using Muppets to illustrate. I know what I agree with and what I don’t. During the few times I did try to fit in with people and express feelings that were incongruent with my own, I felt, you guessed it, sick. Identity is a complex thing, so I’m happy to have one corner figured out. I’m not great at deception or waffling unless the issue is one I can’t argue myself into a clear side on. What’s that? A grey area?! No!

Which leads me into what does change and Day 16’s question, Does your style (clothing, hair, etc.) change a lot?

How I’ve dressed over the years hasn’t changed so much. That’s mostly been due more to a lack of options than a lack of desire. Most of my life (until now really) I’ve been horribly overweight. Clothes for fat women, (and yes, I’m using that word fat… people still treat us heinously so I’m using the undignified word) would be unflattering on anyone. Of course, I’ve never been able to stylishly dress myself until now when I’m finally paying attention to working on it and have more options available. The thing about that is, my style, like most people’s has changed with my interests. Those phases I spoke about yesterday did come with changes in style in some cases. I had a country phase, a hard rock phase (shudder…fringe!), a 1940’s phase, and of course my long standing Gothic sensibility that always threaded through. I’ve never found myself particularly able to settle on one thing and as I changed who I looked up to, I modeled the style after them as a starting point.

Right now I think I’m finally settling in to something that works, but even this is based on someone else’s style. Just because it works for me doesn’t mean it’s uniquely mine. Just today at the funeral service I was working, someone came in with a dress, boots, and a coat that went together so well. I loved it. I thought that maybe I could do something like it, though it’s nothing like my current theme. When it comes to personal style, I’m still afloat in a sea of possibilities though I think I have a tether now. My hair has changed radically in the new incarnation. I’ve dyed it so many colors, cut it, grew it out, you name it. I miss the purple the most.

So, if I could have pulled it off, I”m sure I would have changed a lot more often. Now that I’m older, I can’t get away with a lot of the things I used to wear, and really don’t want to. I’m down to admiring those that do and still have my moments of longing when I see them pull off who they uniquely are. My style is based on a fictional character, but I’m starting more and more to know who I am. I’m just picking a character close and going with it, someone I wouldn’t mind showing up like, someone I identify with. You never know, as I add traits to the woman I want to be, the character I’m building, I may just wake up one day and be her.