Day 19: Interlude

What are some lyrics that describe what you’re going through right now?

Funny coincidence. I was just realizing that I keep listening to my divorce song this week. It’s a painful reminder but apt. Yes, I know, I’m still going on about being “friend-zoned” but it being at the level of Severus Snape, I think I’m allowed a little bit of wallow time. Everything else seems to be clearing up. I’ve mended some issues with friends, gotten along better at work, have some new support, a new car, gifts to wrap, but sitting there in the middle of it all is the damned rejection that’s eating away at me. If I read the word “friends” one more time I swear I’m going to be driven to gouge out a major organ. Yes, nothing is supposed to have changed. As we always have been, we’re friends…(ugh!) but there’s still mourning the death of my hopes and they were mighty big ones.

I’ve been waiting forever to find someone who fit so well with me. We made big plans. I meant them. I’m starting to wonder if there were any true feelings on the other side of this. Given how easy this has all been for him, well…I do wonder if anyone is ever going to have pain for my absence, if anyone will ever miss me. Anyway, it all fell into place so well in the beginning and now I have to watch it all spin down fate’s unforgiving drain. It’s all my fault. This “condition” I have makes me really hard to live with. The fact that what’s supposed to be such a small shift has sent me so far off the scale with suffering is a clear sign of the extreme effect. It’s the huge fear of abandonment that’s the center of this disorder and it’s been tripped big time. It may not even be about him, but the fear that was engaged by the event itself. After it passes, I may be able to sensibly say to myself that it’s all fine, that nothing has truly changed and get on with my life as it has been, just sans false hopes. So, on to the song…a condensed version because there’s no need for repeats…

During every big “relationship change” I’ve had, it’s always Evanescence that captures perfectly my feelings. “Missing” is the go to song. It’s apt from beginning to end. Every time. This time. It’s on repeat right now…

“Missing”

Please, please, forgive me
But I won’t be home again
Maybe someday you’ll look up
And barely conscious, you’ll say to no one
Isn’t something missing?

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed
Knowing you don’t care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I’ll wake without you there
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Day 9: Night and Day

Question of the day…Do you have mood swings?

Somewhere one of my friends is cracking up at that question…and my mom…and my ex…etc. The big answer there is hell yes! In a matter of hours I can go from being happy to angry to depressed to excited to who knows what… People have always commented on me being moody, but now it all makes sense.

More often than not, people are used to me being melancholy or looking angry without a heck of a lot in between. I’m usually not angry but apparently look it. I’ve learned that’s known as “resting bitch face” which cracks me up. What I seem to present, however, is not the happiest of combinations. When I do smile, people freak out. It scares them, much like when Wednesday Addams smiles. It’s just weird.

We’ll take today for example. I woke up pretty happy, had cuddles with my kid which is the greatest thing ever, spent the morning fairly content, got angry at a brief message, recovered, got to work ditzy and tired, laughed, cried, got bored and annoyed, got busy and annoyed, lost myself in crafting happiness and then after a brief encounter with DG that I hoped would be lighthearted and funny like old times, sank instead into the pit of heartbroken despair…all before 2 O’Clock.

Now I’m crying again over a loss that I feel should never have happened, or maybe a gain that should never have happened. I’m not sure which. I’ve gone back and forth from happy to miserable a few times today and I think that unfortunately, misery has won the day, until I can distract and think otherwise with hope and excitement. I’ve got work to do and I’m doing it, yet in the back of my mind is that small voice with the stamina of a hurricane that keeps reminding me that I wasn’t enough to hold someone’s attention, that to the one I loved,  I wasn’t worth the time or effort. I need an arrow to kill that voice; it’s ruined more than one day recently.

I wish just once that it was a supportive voice that cheered me on, but I think the owner of the current voice killed her. Her name was Hope. I rather liked her. She’ll come back soon and the pendulum will swing the other way and I’ll be on top again, doing something else I probably shouldn’t just because… that’s what it’s like in my head and that’s why my moods are less than stable.

As it goes, the rest of the day is a crap shoot. My homework for the week is to be ambivalent. To feel two ways at the same time about something. It’s a challenge but I have it down right this second. Love and hate, hope and despair.  I’m learning it’s the nature of this Borderline thing to go to extremes one way or the other. To think after all this that I’m on the lower end of the scale when it comes to this disorder makes me wonder if this will get worse or better and what people go through on the severe side. I can be ambivalent on that score too feeling both blessed and cursed…especially cursed right this second.

I’m sure when I swing back the other way I’ll be all about the gratitude. I can’t know when that will be. It’s pointless to plan ahead not knowing where you’ll be but as one of my heroes, Scarlett O’Hara was fond of saying…tomorrow is another day.