A New Challenge

So being greatly in need of venting and for a reason to write…actually I’ve had plenty of reasons to write but I’ve tried to take some care of myself for a little while with varying results…I’ve found a new 31 Day Challenge. I’m a few months late but I figure, better late than never.

It’s one that is newly close to my heart as I’ve recently found out that I’m likely to be suffering from this particular “personality style” as it was put to me. I also may not know for a few years if it’s “Borderline” or “Bi-Polar”. Yay for me! As frightening as it’s been, it’s also made sense of so much I’ve felt in the past, so I’m counting all revelations good…well,  these next ones take some effort…

It’s been a rough week of vacation. I finally had the conversation and DG and I are no more. It seemed to be his idea as much as mine and although I knew it was coming, it was still a huge loss. I lost an important relationship in him. I also experienced the sudden death of another friend and nearly lost myself as well while driving.

I nearly drove off a cliff. For real.

You’d think one near fatal car crash would be enough wouldn’t you? It’s really true, never drive angry or upset. To be clear, no, I didn’t do that on purpose. I was thinking too much, upset by recent conversations and couldn’t have picked a worse road to go down in that state. Sea cliffs and sharp drops. I may be a drama queen sometimes, but that’s not my preferred way to go. I think I’d go more for a theatrical scene more than squished on a rock, but I digress… I had some extreme anxiety and panic attacks afterward but it also made me think.

All the talk you hear about living in the moment finally hit me after all of that happened within a few days. Oddly enough it came to me over a pear. Yep, a squishy, gritty, sweet, bell shaped, near-rotten pear. I’d gotten a bag of them and meant to eat them, I really did. Time went on and I’d look at them and do something else. I was down to the last one that looked somewhat viable but it was a toss up. I stared at it.  I thought about it for a minute and thought, damn it I really want a pear. Just eat the damned thing! What are you waiting for? If you want a pear, eat a pear. What if it’s the last pear you ever eat?

Yes, it’s a random train of thought but it brought home the larger point. What am I waiting for in all areas of life? If I want it, do it!

So, one thing I want to do is write about this new road I have to travel. I figure, if you have something you’re going through, and sharing about it might help one person, it’s worth the time…plus I get to write and (hopefully) remove some of the stigma. There’s other stuff that comes up and it’ll all be good. I get to learn what it is to be human and how to choose what that looks like for me. What better journey could a person have to explore?

Blankety Blank

 

It’s a little weird to have no more questions to answer at the end of the blogging challenge. I can say that it’s been a bit odd not having the daily post to do.

I thought that I was on a roll and decided, like every year, to sign up for National Novel Writing Month. I had a couple of overlap days which was a little much, but I was both excited to jump in but worn out at the same time.  Then there was a crash. A few things unraveled. My car broke down, I got sick, and…I couldn’t write.

Seriously. Crash-o-rama…

In the midst of chores I started feeling crappy and…bam! Fever. Aches. Being stuck on the couch and most of all, no word count. One day turned to four and I had nothing behind the eyes but a massive headache.

I’ve never tanked the contest before and I’m still feeling kind of bad about it. I’ve been, to be honest, feeling a little depressed and cursed with bad luck. Out of nowhere, I saw another 30 day test of dedication. A random diet page I follow came up with 30 days of gratitude! Instantly that was a real challenge. I’m without wheels, missing appointments, miserably sick, isolated, and to top it all off, facing complete apathy from my Doubtful Guest (the boyfriend).

Of course I know I’m supposed to be grateful. I know it! But faced with it as a 30 day challenge I had to remember than knowing something and practicing it are far removed. Obviously, the problems tend to stick out and occupy your mind, especially when your mind feels like it’s getting ready to make a break from your skull towards the cat door.  So, today I’m thankful that I have something to write about and for the fact that there are suddenly people reading it (Thank You!). I’m thankful for everyone’s kind comments and for the opportunity to be completely me (as off as I can be). I always seem to forget that for things to get better, you have to focus on the things you want, not the problems.  I’m done circling the drain, as my bestie’s mom says.

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I might be up for a Life of Brian sing-a-long instead of ruminating on the issues to be solved. (ok, yes, I may actually like show tunes after all!)   A rousing round of “Don’t Rain on My Parade” might scare people I know, but a little enthusiasm may yield better results.