Day 14 – Now With 30% More Happiness!

Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful. According to commercials, I should feel pretty blissful every time I do everything from crack open a new box of dryer sheets to indulging in a tiny square of chocolate. I’m pretty sure I’ve never made the bliss face like the ladies in the yogurt commercials. Maybe the chocolate did it once, but I doubt that’s the kind of real bliss we’re talking here.

When trying to think back on a time when I felt truly peacefully happy, I have a hard time. I’m not really the blissful type…or the relaxing type. I have a lousy tendency to ruin my quiet moments by thinking about things that I should be doing instead of enjoying myself. As a single mom, there are more chores than I care to think about. I do occasionally catch myself in a me moment but not much does it. Even during my last bath I was uncomfortable, vanilla scented salts and all…

I started with  a memory of the beach. Where I currently live is the furthest from the beach I’ve ever lived. Until now, I’ve always been within walking distance. There’s a real sense of inner peace that I’ve gained from the ocean during every crisis in my life. The past several times I’ve managed to get to the nearest shoreline, my son has not enjoyed it much. He’s a mover. He needs to entertain himself by climbing and jumping and dismantling things, so sitting pensively and listening to the waves isn’t in his nature. That joy is something I miss and it’s a memory that’s far too old.

Then it hit me. Not long ago, I did find myself grinning ear to ear, excited and truly happy at the core. Something I never expected happened and it lit me up inside.

When I started this challenge. I did it as a personal jump-start, like a writing prompt because I’d been blocked for so long. I also loved the idea of delving a little further into those questions. I was used to no one reading this page but me. Then my friend read it. Then a few. Someone I didn’t know read it, and then I got a like. Then followers! Soon…minions! Bwuhahahahaha!

Ahem. Ok…maybe not.

Anyway, I’ve had quite a few more than I could have expected. When I saw that I had people reading it, I was first completely nervous, but then, I felt awesome. I had such a sense of happiness and I remember noticing that I was grinning wide which usually makes people run for the hills since it’s such a rare sight, people assume I’ve cracked…kind of like seeing Wednesday Addams smile…but smile I did.

I’ve been working so hard to make my book happen; so much time worrying and wondering what the next step should be, that I hadn’t taken the time to enjoy the process anymore. How can I find my voice? How can I find which way to go? Can I ever write anything again? How will I know if anyone will ever enjoy this stuff? Fret, fret, fret. It’s my M.O. Doing this turned out to be the greatest kick-start I could have asked for. I feel a bit of momentum behind me now and a lot of gratitude for everyone who’s looked at the page. It truly has brought me happiness. My few posts are certainly no grand accomplishment, but I never expected the confidence I’ve gained from it or the renewed enjoyment of writing. It’s been the best kind of gift. Plus, it’s a really good excuse to get a new party dress!

Day 11 – Bad Dates

Let’s see, my worst, funniest, or most embarrassing date…I’m not really into dating in the formal sense. I usually like to get to know someone for a while first in a casual sense before heading in that direction, hanging out as friends. When I go down the road of thinking  about the actual dates I have gone on, they’re all kind of depressingly bad.

Let’s see, I had the guy that climbed up the side of my house to sneak in and scare me to death, the guy who told me I had big legs (supposed to be a pick-up line??), the guy who made me a fetish box full of nail clippings (ew!), and then the guy I dated last.

I went to have my car worked on and the mechanic asked me out. I liked that he seemed nervous and I couldn’t remember the last time someone had actually asked me on a date. I decided to have coffee, actually tea, with him at my favorite book store. I figured at least I’d be in a place I liked if it didn’t work out. We talked for a while about this and that. He’d almost become a priest but didn’t because he liked new wave, which I found hilarious as a visual. Why not put on the vestments and dance around to a little Echo and the Bunnymen, you know?

Anyway, it was ok, though I was nervous and a bit uneasy the whole time. He asked if he could see me home. I declined but we made a date for the weekend. He went in to kiss me but I couldn’t do it. Just not that quick and to be frank, I hated his cologne. I’m big with smells. That should have been my first red flag…

Just why I went out on a second date with him I don’t know. I figured if the guy could hang with me at the cemetery, a place where I was likely to feel comfortable, then it would be a good sign. I met him at the garage (he smelled like grease which was oodles better than that cologne!) and told him where to meet me. He was up for it. I went to the store to get almonds and coconut coated dates and rushed to make it back to meet him at the time we agreed on. Well, I was there, got it set up and waited. I had the kid with me, which was unorthodox, but the guy thought it was sweet so that was another check in the good column. Still, I should have gone with my gut…

It was a peaceful Saturday afternoon with a nice breeze blowing the leaves on the hanging branches. No one was around. The kid was climbing the nearby trees having fun, and I waited. Then I waited some more. When I finally decided to break into the almonds, he finally showed up. I asked what had taken so long. He’d decided to go home and shower so he didn’t smell like garage. That’s right, the cologne! It carried on the breeze like the noxious fume it was. I tried to ignore it and we started chatting. It was pleasant enough until he made an off-handed comment about it being his lucky day because he could see my underwear. Soon, he was onto his favorite physical, intimate activities and asking me questions about mine.

After about 15 minutes straight of my trying to change the subject and him keeping on the intimate track, I asked him point blank. “Are you actually interested in me at all or looking to have a relationship?” He point blank said “No”. I was shocked to have him be so blatant but at that point I realized that a funeral procession was on the way up the drive and that we were in a bad spot. Unable to help myself, I watched the service  as I packed up wondering if I knew anyone affiliated with work. He suggested we go back to my place. Flabbergasted, I said I wasn’t comfortable with that as I hadn’t cleaned for company. I had my son with me for crying out loud! He then dropped the doozy I’ll never forget.

“I want to see where you sleep.”

I was so creeped out I wanted to run. I thought back to his wanting to follow me home the first night and was feeling close to a panic attack. As we walked to the cars to leave, he tried again to kiss me, rather forcefully and I managed to fight him off. He told me he could be extremely persuasive and told me to call him, mouthing “Call me” as he drove past out the gate. I just felt dirty and took the kid to visit grandma, not wanting to drive home. I didn’t call. Oh no, no I didn’t. It wasn’t so funny, or embarrassing, but it was by far the worst, at least since high school which pretty much says it all.

Day 6 – That is why you fail

Sigh…This one hit me like a wet fish across the face. I’m sure I could rant on and on about how this is a huge load of bull crap; how I know a ton of women who have been through relationship hell and who remain there in the lower circles praying for some wings…or some ice water.

Some of us don’t want to be coupled. Some enjoy an endless chase, but for now, I’m concentrating on those frustrated by their circumstances. I actually read the subject of today’s blog to my friend and she busted out laughing. “Yeah, right!” Nothing is perfect. If everyone could write down their laundry list and wish for what we wanted we’d all be Snow White (or Cinderella or your princess of choice. I, myself have always been partial to the evil queens…) and already riding off into the sunset with the prince. But things aren’t quite that simple.

In a perfect world where no one had been bruised, battered, or scarred, maybe that would be the case, but things get complicated with those pesky things we call brains. We have subconscious fears and motivations. We have programs running that we can’t turn off that make us do damned crazy things and we aren’t even aware of them. They’re little circuits and wires that connected to protect us from repeating pain. They have good intentions, but they muck up the works in Fairytale Land.

There are two schools of thought on this and I’ve been caught between the two, tending more toward the psychology than energy. The aforementioned psychological drive says that what you’re used to, what you’re comfortable with, is what you seek out. So basically, if you’re used to being treated like you’re invisible, you’re only going to notice the guys (or girls) who will reinforce that view of the world. Your brain is trained but good. It’s got radar. You’ll filter out Mr. Right and see that guy who will treat you like you’re less than nothing in 2.2 seconds flat. The other idea is that you attract what you believe and what you put out. Same thing, but with the energetic woo-woo thrown in. Like the force, your energy is your ally or your enemy. You attract and repel by it. It guides you down one path or another. It says energy surrounds us and binds us. You must feel the Force around you: here. Between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship….and I just geeked out right there… moving on… Either idea means you can’t allow anyone to love you more than you love yourself.

That last bit there…that’s what I think I did with my first relationship after my marriage ended. I ruined it. I can cop to screwing that up.  Like Luke Skywalker not believing he could raise the ship from the swamp, not believing is why I failed. So now I have to look at what I have in front of me in the form of my Mr. Big.

I hate calling him that because it’s not my term. Single Dad Laughing called his girlfriend The Farmer’s Daughter. I’ll call my Big…The Doubtful Guest as there’s never a real outcome to the story and I’m not sure if it’s a permanent or fleeting arrangement. I can say for certain though that through his reflection I’ve learned more about myself than I ever have. He’s also much more than that. Certainly if you’ve taken any self-help soul mate journey at all, you’ve got that foot long list of traits in a partner. The Doubtful Guest ticks about 89% of the boxes on my list. There’s just that availability thing…and the being there for me like I’m there for him thing…and the proximity thing, and the you know, in or out damned thing…plus a few nit-picky others. So, is it the exact love life I want? Not yet, no.

But then again, maybe, yes.

The super healthy ideal may show up in a future with him and it may not. I’ve let go of that outcome. To be fair, it may not be exactly what I dreamed of, but what I do have is just enough space to be emotionally safe and just enough companionship to not be completely alone. I hear “I Love You” every once in a while. I have my independence and I have my space. I have my alone time and my choices of what to do with my space. So it’s the love life I’ve put my energy into. It’s the love life that’s the reflection of me. I think that means that I just need to focus harder on feeling loved and loving me much, much more; spending more time on and with me. That’s the important thing, isn’t it? It’s so easy to forget about yourself and dissolve into the other person or to look for somebody to complete you. (Ugh.) Life should be bigger than your relationship but a good one can make life much more rich. So, I start again with me and remember what Susan Sarandon said in Thelma and Louise. You get what you settle for. That time will come only when I become enough of the me I hope to become. Then the right reflection will show up.