Day 17 – Spiritual Evolution

Oh drat. I can’t put the little rainbow star in the title. That would have been rad…Just because in this case I think that the more you know, the better off you are.
I find it ironic that today’s subject is to discuss our spiritual beliefs and how they impact our relationships and/or relationship status…given that I’ve just spent two full hours sitting in a class discussing Jewish traditions with a bunch of people I didn’t know attempting to follow along. I don’t happen to be Jewish. I did it for the kid. My son has decided, for whatever reason, that he resonates with that tradition so I’m letting him explore that by going to the classes for a few weeks because I believe that inquiry is a good thing, especially in spiritual matters. In the meantime, while waiting for him, I sat in on the parents’ class. There’s a high learning curve with any religion you aren’t familiar with, but they all have wisdom to absorb and I came away with some good stuff. Mindfulness, a focus on thinking and observing your own behavior, respect, etc…

As far as my beliefs, that gets complicated. I’ve really dreaded this assignment because I don’t fall into a majority category which leaves me open to all forms of criticism, but I promised myself authenticity and I have to be intellectually and personally honest. I also came at this with the idea that I’d have to defend my point of view, but there really is no reason to spell it out. It is what it is as everyone else’s ideas are.  I’ve spent years trying to find answers to the big questions, reading, looking for evidence, looking for parallels, looking for anything that would lead me to a place of peace…in short, that same inquiry I’m encouraging the boy to pursue. What I found instead was a heck of a lot of arguments, people using their beliefs to feel better than, and ironically, not a whole lot in the way of kindness or peace.  In the end, if I have to label myself currently I’d go with Secular Humanist. I’m a person who requires evidence to back up large claims but as any evidence based human is bound to do, with new and changing proof, I change my mind. I am also of the mind that all religions point to the same thing and that we simply can’t at this stage, know what that thing is in a quantifiable way. I believe in equality, I believe in love. I believe in anything that brings people together in a positive way to make the world better.

I’m also open to mystery. I’m not foolish enough to claim I’m sure of anything or the lack thereof. It seems to me that a few hundred years ago people were pretty sure that the world was flat. Also, a few hundred years ago, people couldn’t imagine that there was an entire microscopic world of bacteria and viruses that was the main cause for their illnesses, so I’m sure that soon enough we’ll have whole new ways of viewing the world that are unimaginable to us now. I love to be surprised. I’d like to hope that there is more to us than this crude matter, as Yoda put it.  I won’t speculate or succumb to wishful thinking. I go where the evidence points but there is the chance that though we can’t prove something right now, evidence may come to light someday. I’m on the more open-minded side of agnosticism. It’s always the dreamers that make the discoveries anyway.

As to how this opinion affects my relationships or my relationship status, well, obviously I don’t have a spiritual gathering place in which to meet someone (unless I count the Jewish class – which could mean I’ll have a lot of studying to do!). There are no rational thinker dating sites that I know of… Maybe I could meet someone at a nice lecture at the Academy of Sciences. Most of the people I do meet have differing beliefs than I do and that does take some compromise or it can be a deal breaker for some. I suppose there’s always a challenge in finding someone with matching views to your own to begin with, no matter what they may be. D.G. and I have differing views, but I think (and I hope I’m right) that he respects my way of thinking and I duly consider his point of view as well. Some of my other friends more closely match me, some are the opposite. These things are always in flux and you never know what can happen to change a person’s ideas. As long as respect is present, which it should always be, there’s no reason to have issues.

Day 11 – Bad Dates

Let’s see, my worst, funniest, or most embarrassing date…I’m not really into dating in the formal sense. I usually like to get to know someone for a while first in a casual sense before heading in that direction, hanging out as friends. When I go down the road of thinking  about the actual dates I have gone on, they’re all kind of depressingly bad.

Let’s see, I had the guy that climbed up the side of my house to sneak in and scare me to death, the guy who told me I had big legs (supposed to be a pick-up line??), the guy who made me a fetish box full of nail clippings (ew!), and then the guy I dated last.

I went to have my car worked on and the mechanic asked me out. I liked that he seemed nervous and I couldn’t remember the last time someone had actually asked me on a date. I decided to have coffee, actually tea, with him at my favorite book store. I figured at least I’d be in a place I liked if it didn’t work out. We talked for a while about this and that. He’d almost become a priest but didn’t because he liked new wave, which I found hilarious as a visual. Why not put on the vestments and dance around to a little Echo and the Bunnymen, you know?

Anyway, it was ok, though I was nervous and a bit uneasy the whole time. He asked if he could see me home. I declined but we made a date for the weekend. He went in to kiss me but I couldn’t do it. Just not that quick and to be frank, I hated his cologne. I’m big with smells. That should have been my first red flag…

Just why I went out on a second date with him I don’t know. I figured if the guy could hang with me at the cemetery, a place where I was likely to feel comfortable, then it would be a good sign. I met him at the garage (he smelled like grease which was oodles better than that cologne!) and told him where to meet me. He was up for it. I went to the store to get almonds and coconut coated dates and rushed to make it back to meet him at the time we agreed on. Well, I was there, got it set up and waited. I had the kid with me, which was unorthodox, but the guy thought it was sweet so that was another check in the good column. Still, I should have gone with my gut…

It was a peaceful Saturday afternoon with a nice breeze blowing the leaves on the hanging branches. No one was around. The kid was climbing the nearby trees having fun, and I waited. Then I waited some more. When I finally decided to break into the almonds, he finally showed up. I asked what had taken so long. He’d decided to go home and shower so he didn’t smell like garage. That’s right, the cologne! It carried on the breeze like the noxious fume it was. I tried to ignore it and we started chatting. It was pleasant enough until he made an off-handed comment about it being his lucky day because he could see my underwear. Soon, he was onto his favorite physical, intimate activities and asking me questions about mine.

After about 15 minutes straight of my trying to change the subject and him keeping on the intimate track, I asked him point blank. “Are you actually interested in me at all or looking to have a relationship?” He point blank said “No”. I was shocked to have him be so blatant but at that point I realized that a funeral procession was on the way up the drive and that we were in a bad spot. Unable to help myself, I watched the service  as I packed up wondering if I knew anyone affiliated with work. He suggested we go back to my place. Flabbergasted, I said I wasn’t comfortable with that as I hadn’t cleaned for company. I had my son with me for crying out loud! He then dropped the doozy I’ll never forget.

“I want to see where you sleep.”

I was so creeped out I wanted to run. I thought back to his wanting to follow me home the first night and was feeling close to a panic attack. As we walked to the cars to leave, he tried again to kiss me, rather forcefully and I managed to fight him off. He told me he could be extremely persuasive and told me to call him, mouthing “Call me” as he drove past out the gate. I just felt dirty and took the kid to visit grandma, not wanting to drive home. I didn’t call. Oh no, no I didn’t. It wasn’t so funny, or embarrassing, but it was by far the worst, at least since high school which pretty much says it all.