Let’s see, my worst, funniest, or most embarrassing date…I’m not really into dating in the formal sense. I usually like to get to know someone for a while first in a casual sense before heading in that direction, hanging out as friends. When I go down the road of thinking about the actual dates I have gone on, they’re all kind of depressingly bad.
Let’s see, I had the guy that climbed up the side of my house to sneak in and scare me to death, the guy who told me I had big legs (supposed to be a pick-up line??), the guy who made me a fetish box full of nail clippings (ew!), and then the guy I dated last.
I went to have my car worked on and the mechanic asked me out. I liked that he seemed nervous and I couldn’t remember the last time someone had actually asked me on a date. I decided to have coffee, actually tea, with him at my favorite book store. I figured at least I’d be in a place I liked if it didn’t work out. We talked for a while about this and that. He’d almost become a priest but didn’t because he liked new wave, which I found hilarious as a visual. Why not put on the vestments and dance around to a little Echo and the Bunnymen, you know?
Anyway, it was ok, though I was nervous and a bit uneasy the whole time. He asked if he could see me home. I declined but we made a date for the weekend. He went in to kiss me but I couldn’t do it. Just not that quick and to be frank, I hated his cologne. I’m big with smells. That should have been my first red flag…
Just why I went out on a second date with him I don’t know. I figured if the guy could hang with me at the cemetery, a place where I was likely to feel comfortable, then it would be a good sign. I met him at the garage (he smelled like grease which was oodles better than that cologne!) and told him where to meet me. He was up for it. I went to the store to get almonds and coconut coated dates and rushed to make it back to meet him at the time we agreed on. Well, I was there, got it set up and waited. I had the kid with me, which was unorthodox, but the guy thought it was sweet so that was another check in the good column. Still, I should have gone with my gut…
It was a peaceful Saturday afternoon with a nice breeze blowing the leaves on the hanging branches. No one was around. The kid was climbing the nearby trees having fun, and I waited. Then I waited some more. When I finally decided to break into the almonds, he finally showed up. I asked what had taken so long. He’d decided to go home and shower so he didn’t smell like garage. That’s right, the cologne! It carried on the breeze like the noxious fume it was. I tried to ignore it and we started chatting. It was pleasant enough until he made an off-handed comment about it being his lucky day because he could see my underwear. Soon, he was onto his favorite physical, intimate activities and asking me questions about mine.
After about 15 minutes straight of my trying to change the subject and him keeping on the intimate track, I asked him point blank. “Are you actually interested in me at all or looking to have a relationship?” He point blank said “No”. I was shocked to have him be so blatant but at that point I realized that a funeral procession was on the way up the drive and that we were in a bad spot. Unable to help myself, I watched the service as I packed up wondering if I knew anyone affiliated with work. He suggested we go back to my place. Flabbergasted, I said I wasn’t comfortable with that as I hadn’t cleaned for company. I had my son with me for crying out loud! He then dropped the doozy I’ll never forget.
“I want to see where you sleep.”
I was so creeped out I wanted to run. I thought back to his wanting to follow me home the first night and was feeling close to a panic attack. As we walked to the cars to leave, he tried again to kiss me, rather forcefully and I managed to fight him off. He told me he could be extremely persuasive and told me to call him, mouthing “Call me” as he drove past out the gate. I just felt dirty and took the kid to visit grandma, not wanting to drive home. I didn’t call. Oh no, no I didn’t. It wasn’t so funny, or embarrassing, but it was by far the worst, at least since high school which pretty much says it all.
Tangent Off the Lifeline 