Love-phobic

Love. It’s a sticky subject to say the least, It encompasses so much of our being from the time we’re born and bond with our parents to that first friendship to that first crush that truly teaches us what the word “crushed” means. It’s a scary prospect, love. This week, I’ve learned that for me, it’s a lot more scary than I ever realized.

No. I’m not talking about a stalker situation, though that’s a whole category that deserves discussion as love gone wrong, though I’m not sure you can categorize it as love. It’s obsession and power. I’m talking about the vulnerable side of us that we hide away from everyone except those that we deem worthy.  It’s a giving of our whole self to someone. It requires that the other person will treat that raw. squishy bit of us with care. Like the Ood holding it’s own brain in it’s hand, we’re required to trust completely.

For as long as I can remember I’ve searched for it, longed for it, dreamed of the day I’d find the one and live happily ever after with my partner in crime. From Wuthering Heights to Brief Encounter to Dracula I’ve dremed of how it could be and wished for it. (A highly romanticized view of it, anyway) While doing some deep soul searching lately and trying to figure out why it is that I have such trouble relating to people and being myself apart from my shy persona, I’ve had a kind of huge realization. I’ve been looking forever for someone to love and accept me. It feels like a lifetime of disappointing encounter after disappointing encounter where that trust I spoke of was broken and that word “crushed” came up in reference to my heart. The big revelation is a bit of a surprise to me.

I’m the problem. I’ve always been the problem.

When I look back at the way I’ve been, it’s always been me that’s pulled away. This week I finally figured out why. A memory came up that showed me just how wounded I was and a big reason not to trust people with my exposed heart. It was something that happened when I was probably five or six, a best friendship gone wrong, which has had lasting tentacles. I can see it’s effects through all of my relationships telling me that people aren’t safe. People disappoint. People hurt. Unconsciously I’ve repeated this pattern over and over again and proved myself right.

When I realized this, I had a lot of anxiety, which showed me that I was on the right track. All the over-excitement when someone showed any interest in me was actually anxiety…fear. The last time I went on a date, I had to take a sedative to breathe, I was so anxious. That should have been a clue. My extra weight…a wall to keep interest away. Even my silence and shyness, not being myself in front of people, not showing them who I am, is a wall to keep people from getting too close or from seeing the real me; to keep them from rejecting me and making me feel bad or, God forbid, liking me and down the road, making me feel worse with a bigger rejection,

It feels almost silly finding out that you’re afraid of love. Heartache is so much easier. I know how to do that and really well. I’m used to that, but being open, really vulnerable to somebody, that’s terrifying. Now, that’s not to say that I still wouldn’t love to experience it before the end of the world, it just appears that I have a lot of work to do before I can. What a weird day.

WM

 

Day 24: Redo

If you could pick one year of your life to give back and start over, which one would it be?

I’m leaning strongly toward this past year. It has, well, it’s stunk. Actually, to be honest, the year before from November on pretty much bit. All my troubles started when I made simple little cleaning mistake. I turned my dining room chairs upside down and put them up on the lip of the table so that I could clean the floor easier, the way they do in restaurants.

Long story short, I bent down to pick up something and hit the chair, which turned over and hit me square on the head. These are solid wooden chairs and I felt dizzy and weird afterward but I never lost consciousness or anything like that, I was just out of sorts.

What I did feel was my neck crunch downward. That’s a big deal for anyone but for me, someone who’s already had a broken neck, it caused a lot of problems. That one mistake would have been huge to take back. Everything after that went downhill, nerve damage, random numbness that led to panic attacks and eventually, my breakdown. I made some lousy decisions and my mood began slipping only down.

It’s true that I should have taken better care of myself, respected myself more, taken  more time off to recover so that I could fully heal. Then maybe things wouldn’t have snowballed the way they did. If I had fully focused on myself, things would have turned out much differently.

Of course, now I’m finally dealing with some things I truly need to. It wasn’t all bad, but I could have gotten to the same place a lot easier.  I could have eased off my relationship, given myself time to grieve something that showed signs of ending instead of holding on to false hopes. The emotional turmoil has been truly overwhelming. Without a chair to the head, I imagine the whole world looks much clearer.

I could redo a bunch of years. Stopped myself from getting married, decided to finish college, moved away from everyone and started over somewhere new when everything fell apart, taken better care of my teeth… though all of those things have made me grow as a person. My regrets show me what I value. I can still change some of those things, but the health things are huge. The self-care, the self-respect, the need to truly take care of yourself. If anything has been the big thematic lesson of the past year, it’s the importance of  care and maintenance.

If you love something, show it, take care of it, spend time. attention, and effort. Don’t let the important things slide. Don’t put it off and most importantly, take care of yourself! Nobody else will…

Day 17 : Fear

Day 17:  What are five of your biggest fears?

I keep trying to avoid this post. Could it be I fear vulnerability? I’m pretty sure that’s got to be something or this would be easy. Therefore…

5. Vulnerability – While I’m not entirely sure this shouldn’t be higher on the list, I’m pretty terrified of letting people in to see all of my squishy insides. That may seem funny considering I’ve been laying things pretty bare over the past weeks with these challenges, but when it comes to honest to goodness face to face relationships, there’s a pretty big wall to scale…and a moat…and a few sentinels keeping watch… That last guy had the key to every lock but it still took a long time for me to really trust him. Given the ending,  maybe I need another couple of walls…

4. Ridicule – This comes right on the heels of number five. There’s nothing like opening yourself up only to hear confirmation that you’re a giant Dorkenstein. My feelings of inadequacy run deep enough without having them all validated, especially by someone close. No one wants to hear that they aren’t good enough or that their work sucks. Of course, that’s something that comes with being human. We borderlines have pretty thin skin…more like none at all…so criticism cuts deep, and that self esteem train keeps passing mighty fast.

3. Loneliness – It seems rather ridiculous to fear something that you experience every day. However, this is more of a long standing fear that it will go on forever. People can endure anything if they only have the sense that it will end. That’s how I made it through childbirth with no pain killers. I knew the pain would end. My fear is more that my loneliness never will; that I’ll never have a deep and meaningful connection with anyone that lasts. I have some of the loneliest characters tattooed on me. I’m alone most of the time…in my office all day, at night after my son goes to bed. You’d think I’d be used to it but I’m just frightened it will continue like this forever, and that is an unbearable thought.

2. Abandonment – More awful than having no one is having someone you care for and losing them. There’s no greater pain and in this particular illness, it’s a HUGE piece of the puzzle. I don’t know if it’s chronic instability that makes us need to hang on to people but the thought of someone that I love leaving or forgetting me simply causes a tsunami of fear. It’s extremely hard for me to let people in but once I do and they get past all the protective gear, the thought of them looking around and saying no thank you is a horrifying one. I don’t know where it came from. My mom never left me overnight in the supermarket or anything. It’s just been there for as long as I can remember.

1. My son – No, my son doesn’t terrify me… well, that one interpretive dance was pretty scary…However, something happening to him does. It’s the biggest fear I have because not only does it mix losing the most important person in my life and hit me at my most vulnerable, as it does all parents, but it hints at something beyond my control. I can’t protect him 24/7 as much as I wish I could. I’m also scared that by virtue of how I am, he will learn the same faulty coping mechanisms and become unhappy and fearful himself. I want my son to be much happier than I am, and so far, he really seems to be, but, on occasion, I see hints of my anxiety, my self-loathing, my impatience, and an inability to deal with less than perfection. While I never pressure him on any of these things and try to reinforce the things my therapist teaches me, he is, after all, mine. His programming comes half from me. He lives with me. His childhood is filled with memories of my reactions both good and bad. The last thing I want to do is scar him for life and turn him into a neurotic mini me.  I’m truly trying to turn the helm to healthy for him. I can only hope I’m successful.

Today has been a challenging one. I’ve had one of my “Old. Alone. Done For.” days where the alone fear really sunk in. Time is mercilessly marching on and I need to face every one of these things head on. We shall see if I or the crocodile will win. Tick Tock…