Day 21: Disclosure

How many people know about your diagnosis? Well, for starters, everyone who’s read my page!

Honestly though, I really don’t think I’ve come out and told  people. It’s a little hard to bring up in every day conversation. “Hey, everybody, I’m emotionally unstable! Isn’t that something?”

Not that I wouldn’t do that, because I totally would if the occasion called for it, but so far, it’s been a little unnecessary.

This Borderline thing has been a hypothesis that I brought to my therapist. I read a description of it while reearching how to deal with something different and the book made me cry so I figured I should look at it. My psychiatrist asked if I’d been diagnosed with Bipolar II when I told him of my latest shenenigans. He’d never seen me other than depressed but when I told him that I was looking at Borderline, he told me it was difficult to differentiate the two until a long period of time had passed as they are similar in a number of ways, all under the same umbrella as PTSD and a few others. We need to consider them all, therefore I don’t think I’ve been all out diagnosed. My therapist is working with me on it since I seem to be fitting a lot of the profile and I’ve asked a few of my close friends for their opinion. To everyone so far, it’s made a heck of a lot of sense. There have been many “Oh! Of course!” expressions floating around. It does indeed fit rather well, but as far as telling people? I haven’t even told my mom. I certainly haven’t told my dad. They’re just both aware that I’ve been having “problems”.

Even at work, my bosses are aware of my panic disorder. I never went into the severe depression with them, though I believe that’s obvious to everyone. After that it all seemed unnecessary information. They know I go to therapy and psychiatric appointments. As long as things improve, I see no reason to delve. I didn’t omit it out of shame or worry. Quite the contrary.

I came out with my panic diagnosis because I felt that people I interacted with every day needed to know. At first I didn’t want to be treated differently, but after a while I realized that I indeed needed to be treated differently, with a bit more patience and understanding. Hell, everyone does, I just have an excuse that works in my favor on that level. I haven’t felt the need to update anyone. The people who need to know do. I’m not against bringing it to the attention of more people once I’m sure. If anything, I think there needs to be more awareness and understanding and less judgment.

There are a few people that wouldn’t understand. I know that. I’ve told one who consistently judges me for my reactions just so they will know that sometimes (all the time) it’s been beyond my control. My emotions are huge. Things effect me deeply and I react in an over the top way. I’m working on that. It’ll take years. I’m not pulling anything, trying to create drama, trying to manipulate the situation or people, it’s just the way I feel. The more people understand about that the better off I’ll be I think.

In the meantime, I get to experiment with a pile of pills that make me better or worse. Lately, it’s been worse. I can be dry as a Looney Tunes character before the big gag hits or as over the top as a drag queen who’s just been read. I have a wide berth with my level of animation. The pills complicate when they’re wrong and we’ve yet to hit the right ones. So, to any of my loved ones, know that it’s hit or miss given the day and circumstances. Lately, I’ve been coping and odd things bring up high emotion. I hide it as best I can when I’m out. At work I have crying fits that I’m waiting for someone to walk in on, but so far so good.  If that time comes, I’ll spill the beans.

I’d rather sooner. A clear cut set of criteria is always easier to work with than a cloud of mental “problems”. The second sounds worse. Even if I get a room full of freaked out expressions, there’s something to work with. I’m used to getting looked at like that anyway. I just hate to lose my air of mystery…

Day 28 – To Boldly Go

Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc. A few years ago, well now, several years ago I was in a rotten position. I’d been left alone with a child to raise, recently lost my job, and found myself without a place to live. It was a rough time to be sure. I was riding a long streak of low spirits and lower hope. I had spent a good year applying for jobs and while I had interviews, I was always left the bridesmaid hoping to catch the bouquet when the final decisions came down. It was frustrating.

I’d come from doing trade show graphics work and in relocating to a new county to stay with family, found all of those prospects nearly dried up. I applied everywhere I could. I tried for assistant positions, clerical positions, anything I could find. I had a son to raise after all. I interviewed at a few sign shops and decided to go for broke and try random things that always interested me. I had two interviews in the same week which I sort of phoned in by that point and gave up the results to fate. I ended up with two job offers on the same day. There was a world of difference between the two careers. I had a decision to make.

The first position was with a graphics supply company. I was familiar with the products and the place was nice and small. I would work with two other women taking orders and talking about graphics products. It was something I could do and the pay, though half of what I was used to making in my graphics shop, was enough to get things started on the right track. On the other hand, I had a random interview with a mortuary, which I had no previous experience with, but which I’d been drawn to for ages. I managed somehow to get that job at the same pay rate as the other. There were no clear incentives either way.

I don’t know what got into me. My sensible self told me to go with graphics. It was safe. I had experience. I could parlay that into maybe a similar position to my old job which was way more creative. There was something eating at me though. If I never went with my other interest, I would never know what it was like or of I could do it. I read somewhere that when faced with two possibilities, you should always take the bolder path.

So I did.

The next day after I’d turned down the job at the graphics company, the president of the company called me to ask me personally to reconsider. I remember telling him that I felt the need to go down a new road. I’ll never forget his stunned silence when he asked me what type of work I chose to do. Since then, everyone else has told me how perfect I am for the work I do, which I’m both flattered by and a bit taken aback by. I just know it would have eaten at me, taking the safe road.

I should really take my advice now since it feels like another one of those crossroads moments. Hopefully I’ll have a clear sign and something I love to move on to. In the meantime I’m quite fine being the quiet mortuary girl with the calming voice. If people only knew!