Day 10: Randomness

What kind of impulsive decisions have you made?

Well, what a can of worms to open up. That requires some deep thought. Just today I’ve made a couple of random decisions that aren’t in my best interest. I’ve hit the anger phase of my breakup. Yesterday I spent the afternoon in my therapist’s office crying like an ass after making an emergency appointment. Today I’m returning to my evil queen splendor. I’m just angry at myself for falling for it. I mean, for crap’s sake, my ex husband warned me. He had his number all along. If that doesn’t scream “move on” I don’t know what does, but like the pure Opheliac I am, I wanted to believe so much that I ignored it all. Now I get to drown in the ankle-deep water because I was stubborn.

Like I’ve said before, I tend to get drastic. During my upswing, or my hypomania…I started drinking (yes, I’m the reason the rum is gone), I got a new tattoo (of my Evil Queen complete with poison apple), I went OFF the diet, I spent money on every dumb thing since I love giving people things, and bought myself a new computer, a necklace shaped like a human heart (I really have a theme going here), and lunches and dinners I had no business indulging in. Then I had that lovely moment of almost driving myself off a cliff after being dumped…

Even all of that recent hooplah is small beans compared with probably my biggest impulsive decision…getting married. I call it impulsive because at the time I had only known him for 6 months. I did, in the back of my mind question everything. I had sensible guidelines but of course I ignored them all, just like I recently have with DG. I think it’s entirely true that every one of my relationships save one was the result of going against my better judgment. I, as always, went Looney Tunes, as in the cartoons…(A man!). I had the very “American Splendor” point of view that I’d marry anyone who would have me. I was so convinced that no one ever would that I jumped in with both feet. I gave him opportunities to escape. He didn’t take them. I did try to be responsible but my sense gave way to my intense need and feelings.

Oddly enough, that rash decision has led, after a very long period of mourning on my end, to a solid friendship. He’s one of the very few who won’t budge or bolt. He drops everything to make me laugh, to talk me out of some of my ridiculousness, and to just tell me random things.  Some impulsive decisions end up if not being all good, end up not all bad.  I got my son out of that one after all. The hair colors pass, the tattoos don’t but I’ve had pretty good luck considering. There has been some deeply painful fallout as well but I’m still here somehow. I’m coming off that cycle and back down. We’ll see how that goes. I”m trying not to make any rash decisions based on my feelings which are highly changeable. Right now I’m angry, never a great time to think, or drive.  So I’m going to wait and try to focus on getting better by myself. My first impulse is to never let anyone close to me again, but I’ll sit with this and wait for it to pass. Everything does eventually.

Day 9: Night and Day

Question of the day…Do you have mood swings?

Somewhere one of my friends is cracking up at that question…and my mom…and my ex…etc. The big answer there is hell yes! In a matter of hours I can go from being happy to angry to depressed to excited to who knows what… People have always commented on me being moody, but now it all makes sense.

More often than not, people are used to me being melancholy or looking angry without a heck of a lot in between. I’m usually not angry but apparently look it. I’ve learned that’s known as “resting bitch face” which cracks me up. What I seem to present, however, is not the happiest of combinations. When I do smile, people freak out. It scares them, much like when Wednesday Addams smiles. It’s just weird.

We’ll take today for example. I woke up pretty happy, had cuddles with my kid which is the greatest thing ever, spent the morning fairly content, got angry at a brief message, recovered, got to work ditzy and tired, laughed, cried, got bored and annoyed, got busy and annoyed, lost myself in crafting happiness and then after a brief encounter with DG that I hoped would be lighthearted and funny like old times, sank instead into the pit of heartbroken despair…all before 2 O’Clock.

Now I’m crying again over a loss that I feel should never have happened, or maybe a gain that should never have happened. I’m not sure which. I’ve gone back and forth from happy to miserable a few times today and I think that unfortunately, misery has won the day, until I can distract and think otherwise with hope and excitement. I’ve got work to do and I’m doing it, yet in the back of my mind is that small voice with the stamina of a hurricane that keeps reminding me that I wasn’t enough to hold someone’s attention, that to the one I loved,  I wasn’t worth the time or effort. I need an arrow to kill that voice; it’s ruined more than one day recently.

I wish just once that it was a supportive voice that cheered me on, but I think the owner of the current voice killed her. Her name was Hope. I rather liked her. She’ll come back soon and the pendulum will swing the other way and I’ll be on top again, doing something else I probably shouldn’t just because… that’s what it’s like in my head and that’s why my moods are less than stable.

As it goes, the rest of the day is a crap shoot. My homework for the week is to be ambivalent. To feel two ways at the same time about something. It’s a challenge but I have it down right this second. Love and hate, hope and despair.  I’m learning it’s the nature of this Borderline thing to go to extremes one way or the other. To think after all this that I’m on the lower end of the scale when it comes to this disorder makes me wonder if this will get worse or better and what people go through on the severe side. I can be ambivalent on that score too feeling both blessed and cursed…especially cursed right this second.

I’m sure when I swing back the other way I’ll be all about the gratitude. I can’t know when that will be. It’s pointless to plan ahead not knowing where you’ll be but as one of my heroes, Scarlett O’Hara was fond of saying…tomorrow is another day.

A New Challenge

So being greatly in need of venting and for a reason to write…actually I’ve had plenty of reasons to write but I’ve tried to take some care of myself for a little while with varying results…I’ve found a new 31 Day Challenge. I’m a few months late but I figure, better late than never.

It’s one that is newly close to my heart as I’ve recently found out that I’m likely to be suffering from this particular “personality style” as it was put to me. I also may not know for a few years if it’s “Borderline” or “Bi-Polar”. Yay for me! As frightening as it’s been, it’s also made sense of so much I’ve felt in the past, so I’m counting all revelations good…well,  these next ones take some effort…

It’s been a rough week of vacation. I finally had the conversation and DG and I are no more. It seemed to be his idea as much as mine and although I knew it was coming, it was still a huge loss. I lost an important relationship in him. I also experienced the sudden death of another friend and nearly lost myself as well while driving.

I nearly drove off a cliff. For real.

You’d think one near fatal car crash would be enough wouldn’t you? It’s really true, never drive angry or upset. To be clear, no, I didn’t do that on purpose. I was thinking too much, upset by recent conversations and couldn’t have picked a worse road to go down in that state. Sea cliffs and sharp drops. I may be a drama queen sometimes, but that’s not my preferred way to go. I think I’d go more for a theatrical scene more than squished on a rock, but I digress… I had some extreme anxiety and panic attacks afterward but it also made me think.

All the talk you hear about living in the moment finally hit me after all of that happened within a few days. Oddly enough it came to me over a pear. Yep, a squishy, gritty, sweet, bell shaped, near-rotten pear. I’d gotten a bag of them and meant to eat them, I really did. Time went on and I’d look at them and do something else. I was down to the last one that looked somewhat viable but it was a toss up. I stared at it.  I thought about it for a minute and thought, damn it I really want a pear. Just eat the damned thing! What are you waiting for? If you want a pear, eat a pear. What if it’s the last pear you ever eat?

Yes, it’s a random train of thought but it brought home the larger point. What am I waiting for in all areas of life? If I want it, do it!

So, one thing I want to do is write about this new road I have to travel. I figure, if you have something you’re going through, and sharing about it might help one person, it’s worth the time…plus I get to write and (hopefully) remove some of the stigma. There’s other stuff that comes up and it’ll all be good. I get to learn what it is to be human and how to choose what that looks like for me. What better journey could a person have to explore?