Vegas Baby

 There’s no denying that I’ve had my share of heartache, especially over the past year. Relationships are my sore spot, since I have all sorts of anxieties around bonding with people and the constant fear of abandonment that comes with my particular diagnosis. During those dark moments when I’m obsessing over what went wrong between DG and myself, (or any of my exes and myself) I’ve turned to one source over and over again…Miss Mandy Hale aka The Single Woman.

I can’t even remember what it was that brought her to my attention. It may have been a book sale or a recommendation when I was looking up dating advice or how to survive when you go from the it girl to the avoided girl. I remember reading her Guide to Letting Go and Moving on and being thoroughly uplifted, which, believe me kids, is a hard feat to pull off. I’d never had such to-the-point, heartfelt advice that stayed with me. I swear I could have taken several of her quotes and pasted them on my bathroom mirror to recite in the morning as mantras.

After that, like a sign from the heavens, I came across her 30 Day Blogging Challenge and that was a revelation. Taking on the Single Woman’s daily questions not only opened me up from the little ball of pain I was and got me thinking and challenging the relationship I was stagnating in, but it got me writing too, and from a hopeful place. (Also, not an easy thing to pull off). I’m not one to tout other people’s stuff, but so far, not only has her new book, I’ve Never Been to Vegas, But my Luggage Has, already given me a quote to hang on the bathroom mirror, (“When you stop blooming where you’ve been planted, it’s time to put down new roots.”) but it’s given me something incredibly close to my own experience to relate to. Her account of going through panic attacks and deep depression, both of which I’m currently starting to heal from myself, have my agnostic brain calling this book a blessing. Yeah, I said it…

I’m in the midst of a marathon read in the hopes that it will bring me the same uplifting push towards self-confidence that her other books have (I read her other books in one day flat). When you’re circling a drain, synchronicities are much appreciated. I’m open to the possibility, and so far whenever I need a good kick in the pants and a shot of belief in myself, her words are put in my path like an elixir. She has an incredible talent for being both inspirational and concise.

Though I’m not quite at the end, I’m getting that no matter the slings and arrows (or lousy relationships), we all have a path to walk. That path may not be what we thought it was going to be, but the detours are marked if we care to look, each one a lesson. We can end up in an entirely different place than we imagine, but after our hissy fits and self-deceptions, we find that can be a better place, a more rewarding place, and beyond anything we thought we wanted. For the first time in a long time, I feel lit up with hope that I can find my own overgrown trail to walk toward my destination. I’m grateful, hopeful, and full of it. It’s wonderful to have the tools to create your own upswing, and this new book has definitely been one of them for me. Inspiring stories do that for you. I can only hope one day to have my own to bless people with. Until then, I’m going to keep reading and keep watching for those exit signs.

Aliens

I’ve been sitting here for a few with Ingrid Michaelson’s last record on repeat feeling a bit weird. Yes, I said record. Yes, I’m old, but that isn’t my issue…well, right now.

Firstly, I feel a lot like Sigourney Weaver and no, not because I’m shimmying around my office in tiny undies trying to fit into a space suit  but because I have a weird feeling that there’s something moving around inside my guts that has nothing to do with my guts. It’s an odd sensation, like a pile of squid dancing the rumba. Maybe they like Ingrid Michaelson too.  Whatever it is, it’s decidedly alien. Maybe I can sell tickets to the eruption. Look out Jonesy!

The cornbread wasn’t that bad…

Secondly, I’m just bothered because there’s been a lot of thinking going on, the uncomfortable kind that makes you question your beliefs and fundamental structures of perception. That can also be good, but the last time that happened, I lost it, not to put too fine a point on it.

I went full atheist. Now some things, some mighty big coincidences have occurred that have made me question that assessment. That’s not to say that I’m down for a bearded deity in the sky, just that it may be more complex than my current belief system is accepting of. The energy system of which we are all made may be more vast and diverse and include things like bloody weird coincidences. That’s it for now, but it’ll start my brain going full tilt. That’s what happens to me.

I can’t leave anything alone. I have to read and explore and dig. I have to think around something until I do the flop. Not that I’m not already in awe of the mysteries of the universe, the beauty of nebulas, the way the structures of the eye mimic them, the way everything mimics everything else in extremes of scale, but I’m starting to wonder about more. More? Surely not!

I’ve found a book of energy experiments. That’s where I’ll start to see if I’m nutty bonkers. I don’t seem to have an off switch. It’s kind of a bad thing. The one thing that is positive here is that it has given me back something vital that I had lost. Hope. Faith. In what I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of my insanity. I’m not sure, but that’s ok. I need to accept the mystery.

Now the mystery of what’s up with my intestines is another thing…

Day 17 – Spiritual Evolution

Oh drat. I can’t put the little rainbow star in the title. That would have been rad…Just because in this case I think that the more you know, the better off you are.
I find it ironic that today’s subject is to discuss our spiritual beliefs and how they impact our relationships and/or relationship status…given that I’ve just spent two full hours sitting in a class discussing Jewish traditions with a bunch of people I didn’t know attempting to follow along. I don’t happen to be Jewish. I did it for the kid. My son has decided, for whatever reason, that he resonates with that tradition so I’m letting him explore that by going to the classes for a few weeks because I believe that inquiry is a good thing, especially in spiritual matters. In the meantime, while waiting for him, I sat in on the parents’ class. There’s a high learning curve with any religion you aren’t familiar with, but they all have wisdom to absorb and I came away with some good stuff. Mindfulness, a focus on thinking and observing your own behavior, respect, etc…

As far as my beliefs, that gets complicated. I’ve really dreaded this assignment because I don’t fall into a majority category which leaves me open to all forms of criticism, but I promised myself authenticity and I have to be intellectually and personally honest. I also came at this with the idea that I’d have to defend my point of view, but there really is no reason to spell it out. It is what it is as everyone else’s ideas are.  I’ve spent years trying to find answers to the big questions, reading, looking for evidence, looking for parallels, looking for anything that would lead me to a place of peace…in short, that same inquiry I’m encouraging the boy to pursue. What I found instead was a heck of a lot of arguments, people using their beliefs to feel better than, and ironically, not a whole lot in the way of kindness or peace.  In the end, if I have to label myself currently I’d go with Secular Humanist. I’m a person who requires evidence to back up large claims but as any evidence based human is bound to do, with new and changing proof, I change my mind. I am also of the mind that all religions point to the same thing and that we simply can’t at this stage, know what that thing is in a quantifiable way. I believe in equality, I believe in love. I believe in anything that brings people together in a positive way to make the world better.

I’m also open to mystery. I’m not foolish enough to claim I’m sure of anything or the lack thereof. It seems to me that a few hundred years ago people were pretty sure that the world was flat. Also, a few hundred years ago, people couldn’t imagine that there was an entire microscopic world of bacteria and viruses that was the main cause for their illnesses, so I’m sure that soon enough we’ll have whole new ways of viewing the world that are unimaginable to us now. I love to be surprised. I’d like to hope that there is more to us than this crude matter, as Yoda put it.  I won’t speculate or succumb to wishful thinking. I go where the evidence points but there is the chance that though we can’t prove something right now, evidence may come to light someday. I’m on the more open-minded side of agnosticism. It’s always the dreamers that make the discoveries anyway.

As to how this opinion affects my relationships or my relationship status, well, obviously I don’t have a spiritual gathering place in which to meet someone (unless I count the Jewish class – which could mean I’ll have a lot of studying to do!). There are no rational thinker dating sites that I know of… Maybe I could meet someone at a nice lecture at the Academy of Sciences. Most of the people I do meet have differing beliefs than I do and that does take some compromise or it can be a deal breaker for some. I suppose there’s always a challenge in finding someone with matching views to your own to begin with, no matter what they may be. D.G. and I have differing views, but I think (and I hope I’m right) that he respects my way of thinking and I duly consider his point of view as well. Some of my other friends more closely match me, some are the opposite. These things are always in flux and you never know what can happen to change a person’s ideas. As long as respect is present, which it should always be, there’s no reason to have issues.