Day 19: Interlude

What are some lyrics that describe what you’re going through right now?

Funny coincidence. I was just realizing that I keep listening to my divorce song this week. It’s a painful reminder but apt. Yes, I know, I’m still going on about being “friend-zoned” but it being at the level of Severus Snape, I think I’m allowed a little bit of wallow time. Everything else seems to be clearing up. I’ve mended some issues with friends, gotten along better at work, have some new support, a new car, gifts to wrap, but sitting there in the middle of it all is the damned rejection that’s eating away at me. If I read the word “friends” one more time I swear I’m going to be driven to gouge out a major organ. Yes, nothing is supposed to have changed. As we always have been, we’re friends…(ugh!) but there’s still mourning the death of my hopes and they were mighty big ones.

I’ve been waiting forever to find someone who fit so well with me. We made big plans. I meant them. I’m starting to wonder if there were any true feelings on the other side of this. Given how easy this has all been for him, well…I do wonder if anyone is ever going to have pain for my absence, if anyone will ever miss me. Anyway, it all fell into place so well in the beginning and now I have to watch it all spin down fate’s unforgiving drain. It’s all my fault. This “condition” I have makes me really hard to live with. The fact that what’s supposed to be such a small shift has sent me so far off the scale with suffering is a clear sign of the extreme effect. It’s the huge fear of abandonment that’s the center of this disorder and it’s been tripped big time. It may not even be about him, but the fear that was engaged by the event itself. After it passes, I may be able to sensibly say to myself that it’s all fine, that nothing has truly changed and get on with my life as it has been, just sans false hopes. So, on to the song…a condensed version because there’s no need for repeats…

During every big “relationship change” I’ve had, it’s always Evanescence that captures perfectly my feelings. “Missing” is the go to song. It’s apt from beginning to end. Every time. This time. It’s on repeat right now…

“Missing”

Please, please, forgive me
But I won’t be home again
Maybe someday you’ll look up
And barely conscious, you’ll say to no one
Isn’t something missing?

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed
Knowing you don’t care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I’ll wake without you there
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Day 2 : Friendship

Day 2 of the 31 days of BPD. Question: Why did your last friendship end?

Ok, trick question. I had two go south at the same time, but I suppose that only one is truly lost as far as friendship goes. It’s ironic. I’ve been very suddenly and thoroughly depressed over my loss of DG. I know it’s for the best. I know the timing stunk. I know that if we were meant to be together, heaven and earth would have aligned to make it so, or one or both of us would have. I’m just, dare I say it, heartbroken.

On the bright side of that coin, we remain “friends”. Sort of. Things have felt strained at best which is why I lumped it into this category like a sack of dead wombats. (Yeah, I don’t know where that came from either…) I’m still making him a holiday present and sending a card. Just because it’s been tough and hasn’t worked out doesn’t mean my feelings left so I’m trying to maintain and hopefully rebuild.

So, comes the other painful loss which is less all out painful, but it was still someone whom I trusted and put stock into. It fits this subject because he turned his back on me suddenly and completely (like you would a sack of dead wombats). He went from being supportive one minute and the next, he was announcing rather dramatically and publicly that he was out. Apparently this was due to my “negativity”. Now, I don’t know anybody who is chipper and happy all the time…and to blame me when I really can’t be seemed just plain petty and mean.

I suppose his excuse will be that he doesn’t want to subject himself to my depressive attitude or my moodiness, and to be fair, that’s fine. It’s his prerogative. (Why did I use that word? Bobby Brown earworm…enjoy that!) But truly, leaving is about the worst thing you can do to someone who has severe abandonment issues, like BPD sufferers who push people away just to keep them from eventually leaving. It’s that strong a fear and it usually ends up happening in spite of us. Most of the things we do create the very things we fear.

The big problem I have with this sudden departure was that there was firstly no warning and secondly, it’s completely hypocritical. He’s not positive a majority of the time. None of that matters now. He couldn’t accept me and If someone can’t accept you for who you are, then they aren’t your friend. I can accept that we probably just fed each other’s negativity and that wasn’t a good mix. I’m just lucky that I’ve got the ability to see things that way now instead of going into a deep depression that turns the pit of my stomach into a bottomless one and assuming all people will reject me.

On the bright side (Yes, I do see them! Silver linings occasionally as well! I even sometimes..*gasp* even make jokes!) I have had an outpouring of support from people who have shown me that they do accept me. I’ve been happily surprised that by opening up, which I’ve been so afraid to do for so long for fear of rejection and abandonment that there is actually love and acceptance on the other end. I’m still an invisible disaster for the time being, but now I can no longer cry in self pity at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. I truly do have friends. Maybe not a town full, but they’re there. All I had to do was open my eyes to see them.