Post a picture of yourself and tell us your story.
Yeah, ok. I’ve been dreading this day ever since I read the list all the way through. Is there really much else that needs to be said? I’ve doled out a heck of a lot of personal information over here! Mainly, I just don’t care for talking about myself. Isn’t that funny for someone who’s decided to blog? Hahaha!
So, firstly, yes, it’s a picture of me so it counts! That face right there, that shows you everything. I’ve never been one for grey areas or being able to hide my feelings. I’m either at ok, pissed, or depressed without many gears in between. I’ve always been sensitive, and told that fact to the point of insanity. I just always thought I just had deep feelings. I’ve been proud of my sensitivity, but there’s been a destructive side that hit badly in High School. It’s a time of dubious relationships anyway, but feeling every rejection as deeply as I did, I felt tormented a lot of the time. People said I exaggerated, that I was overly dramatic. I just took it as a slight and that they hated me. I thought everyone did for the longest time.
As an adult, my relationships remained rocky and I remained moody. My marriage came and went with its share of drama, and the aftermath of that was nearly too much to handle. I started having heightened anxiety and derealization episodes at this point. When I found out I was pregnant by the guy who’d just left, got kicked out of my house, and lost my job, I’m amazed I didn’t crack. I know I came close. I came treacherously close to suicide on several occasions. I couldn’t find work for well over a year and started counseling and antidepressants.
I was lucky enough to have real family support and a place to go for a while. Things held steady once I started my new job and I’ve held it together with ups and downs until recently when the strain of everything finally caught up with me.
This year I had a breakdown. I collapsed crying on the floor, hallucinating. Again, I was incredibly lucky to have support in the form of a friend. I took some time off, went to a therapist for the first time (All had been counselors before) and went to a psychiatrist. Severe Panic Disorder and Severe Depressive Disorder were the words of the day. I’ve been working in all of the issues that brought on anxiety, lack of proper boundaries, mood instability, impulse control, anger, and when I was reading a book about dealing with someone else in my life who is undoubtedly a narcissist, I came across dialog on Borderline Personality Disorder.
I kept reading. I cried.
I took my notes and concerns to the therapist and everything began to fall into place. The more I read and watch, the more things make sense. I don’t fit every single criteria, but more than enough. It’s both wonderful to have a name for it and to know that there are others who have this experience, but it’s still a scary diagnosis. I’ve had to look straight at my behavior which is uncomfortable, but I’m more than willing to do it. I don’t want to be this way. I want to feel better and I want other people to want to be around me. I want good relationships. It’s all I want actually. Friends. A partner someday. To raise my kid into a healthy adult. The normal stuff.
So, this is the condensed version of the past 31 days of rambling. It seems like I’ve touched on about everything though I wanted to be slightly more irreverent and droll over the past month. It’s a hard subject to make funny, at least for me, being right in the midst of it and beginning to get a grip on what it all means. I can only hope this is helpful somewhere.
So, now would be a good time for you to go put on some fuzzy slippers and read something funny! I am… Happy New Year to all of you. Love and Luck for the year ahead 🙂