Progress?

It’s been a long time since I thought of writing any more on my journey. I thought my progress was too slow…if there indeed had been any progress. I saw a lot of other people with much brighter messages and more inspiring stories, and I decided to try to focus instead on making my dreams happen instead of just kvetching about them. All decent reasons, but in truth the writing keeps me sane. I can spend all day staring at the cursor trying to write a chapter of my book, which is another journey and possibly worth recording for anyone equally frustrated, but the stuff that crosses my mind is worth recording too, important even, at least as far as my growth is concerned. It’s important to be able to look back and see where you were so you can see how far you’ve come. Sometimes you make so many baby steps without noticing them that one day you wake up and notice something’s completely different. Today was a big day in the leap department.

So, as far back as I can remember, I’ve been trying to fix what’s wrong with me. My attitude stinks, I’m not pretty, I’m not fit, I’m not (random exciting adjective) enough. One main focus is that I’ve been alone…for a long time…a very long time, at least in the most technical of senses. So last night I was tuning into the latest of the plethora of “Please God fix me so someone will love me” webinars I sign up for consistently and I found myself annoyed. It was somewhat new information, or at least familiar stuff presented in a new way, but I found myself tuning out and being kind of snarky about it. I’ve been snarky about this stuff in the past, but more in the cynical “of-course-it-works-for-you-you’re-a-skinny-blonde” sort of way. This was more of a personal revelation. I was sort of angry at the insinuation. What if I could realize that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. Maybe I don’t need fixing in the form of expensive meditation courses that will subliminally change my vibration while I sleep. Sure, I have issues, everyone does, but I’m not fundamentally flawed. I’m simply a human being with moods that fluctuate. I can change those by focus as I can change my reactions by practice.  At the heart of it, I need to stop focusing on what is wrong and love me anyway, because I deserve to be loved as I am, snarky bits and all.