Clarity

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Clarity. It’s been one of the toughest things for me since I started this journey, so much so that one of my main goals in doing any of this was to uncover my life’s purpose or goal. It seems almost comical sometimes the amount of floundering that goes on. How can you not know what you love to do? How can you not know what your “bliss” is? It sounds insane and that’s precisely how it feels. I tell myself that if only I had a clear goal, if only I were sure what it is I’m meant for that I would jump for it 2000% with all of my energy, ability and drive, but is that really true? There are other areas where I do know what to do and I procrastinate like there’s an endless stream of tomorrows. I know how to clean my house, for example, but for some reason the place is never the way I want or need it to be. Why am I not “Clear” on my purpose? Why is my house not clean? Not inherently connected questions until you look closer.

 

 

Part of my personality is very organized. I have a drive to complete everything that needs to be done before I’m allowed to “enjoy” anything myself. If my house isn’t clean, if the laundry isn’t done, if there are dishes in the sink, anything I do is just not enjoyable. When my house is clean, my mind is clear. Obviously, a beautiful space makes you feel good, a subject brought up today by an inspiring friend of mine. She asked simply if your space is inspiring. My space is constantly pulling me down. In the meantime I’m frustrated. Why? Why is everything so fuzzy? Why can’t you just show me the way God???

 

 

 

 

It’s simple. Fear. Somewhere in my mind I’m scared to find what I’m meant for. I’m scared of succeeding. With all of the work I’ve been doing on myself to make myself feel worthy of good things, this is still a sticking point. Fear creates procrastination. If it wasn’t scary or painful, why would you put

 

 

it off? I could easily spend 20 minutes a night keeping up with the tidying. Instead, things sit until they become overwhelming and I decide to give up before I begin. Plus, it’s hard to do anything proactive when you have tons of laundry that needs doing, right? The question is why would anyone fear success and sabotage their joy?

 

 

A multitude of reasons. I’m not good enough to succeed. I’m frightened that if I succeed, I won’t be able to maintain that success. People will have expectations I’m afraid I can’t meet. I’ll be noticed and people will see who I really am and maybe they won’t think I’m very special once they do…I’ll be faced with PEOPLE…I’m not pretty/thin/smart/talented enough. I have a belief that I’m not clever enough to be a good writer or a good enough artist for anyone to find value in my work. It’s all crap, but at some point as a kid I learned that my stuff wasn’t good enough and it’s grown and distorted my whole self image. At some point the complete discomfort of being where you are has to kick your ass up to the next level. It’s far better to tackle it yourself than to wait for the universe to decide you need to learn a lesson and forces that growth upon you. So, tonight I think I’m going to be scrubbing…