It’s been a long while since I’ve felt like posting. I’ve not felt entirely inspiring and I thought that maybe somehow, my setbacks would not be worth relating. I never want anyone to feel as bad as I do from reading about challenges, so I simply stopped. It’s been a hard road trying to get to a place where I like myself, let alone love myself. I’m not quite there yet. As much as I’ve made progress, there have been tests of my new resolve, and I haven’t been passing with flying colors….but progress is finally visible.
So, one of my big issues is loneliness. On the one hand, I really want friends and people to hang around, relate to and share things with. On the other, I’m a very inward person and I actually find myself still thinking quite often how much I wish I would be left alone. One of those things has become manifest in a big way. The other has not. The only way to change that pattern is to step out of it, no matter how uncomfortable it is. So, I took a chance. I went to a concert alone in an attempt to learn to relate and see if I could just start talking to some people out of nothing, not one of my talents.
Fortunately for me, some people began talking to me, and I was friendly, as I tend to be. Breaking the ice and making the first move is not quite on the table yet. But I enjoyed myself, I talked and I went far out of my comfort zone on purpose and made a step. Of course, I had a setback, or a test which made me feel rather uncomfortable, but I found that I was able to let it go much more easily than I would have in the past. I didn’t obsess over the uncomfortable moment and was much more quickly able to let it go. I have something to work on, and it gave me motivation, but didn’t ruin my plans to move forward and that’s a big deal for me. I’m actually thinking of going back.
Writing is also something I find that I can’t really live without, whether here or otherwise. I’ve found myself thinking of ideas and noticing specifics to remember later for a story. During this silent patch, things have been much more tangled and the flow hasn’t been there. So, progress is slow, which I hate, but at least it’s present. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be okay, whether my hips are to big or my nose is weird or I think I look old. I can’t expect anyone else to find me interesting if I don’t and writing is a good way for me to keep finding new and surprising things about myself. People often suggest journaling and now I see why. You have to really get to know yourself first and then you just might find something there that you like.
Tangent Off the Lifeline 