Grumble, Grumble, Grumble

I’ve been rather ill for the past few days and I’ve had the unfortunate attitude of complaint. Not so much about the sickness really, but about having to not only work, but have tons of work thrust upon me while I’m sick. There’s been a lot of yelling “WHY?” You’d think by now I would have learned about the power of gratitude, and I have. I’m working on it as I type as a matter of fact; listing and thinking of lovely things I’m thankful for. It’s the only antidote for a lousy attitude. Clears it right up. I wish I could clear up the sore throat but then…

The problem with asking stupid questions, like “Why is this happening to me?” is you tend to come up with stupid answers like “I just can’t catch a break” or “The universe/God just doesn’t like me” or other similar crap. This is all a long line of limiting beliefs and you know what it gets you? More of what you’re barking about. It’s a really hard habit to break sometimes when we’re miserable.

Since it’s my throat that’s bearing the brunt of my discomfort, I’m having to look and wonder if there’s anything that I need to say that I haven’t been. If I need to be speaking up for myself. Part of me wonders if all of this sudden business while I’m here is because of the fact that I forced myself to come to work out of fear that my co-workers would think poorly of me for staying home. Doing anything out of fear usually has gnarly consequences. If I had bothered to stay home and care for myself properly I wouldn’t be resentful of the sudden flurry of work hitting me while I already don’t feel well. “I’m sick dammit! Why can’t you leave me be?” Because you bothered to come in so you need to deal with what’s there. Duh…

Most importantly, whatever the case is, if I’m busy thinking about being grateful, I won’t be attracting more nastiness to complain about. So, today I’m grateful for England. Most days I’m grateful for England, simply because I adore English things. I have since I was a kid for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint and it’s been a lifelong thing. So, as a power step for myself, whenever I feel myself complaining or asking dumb “why” questions…that’s right…I’m going to close my eyes and think of England!  Ha!

So really, whatever it is that you love that makes you happy the moment you think of it, use that to turn your crappy attitude around. Even if the situation doesn’t end right away, you’ll at least be feeling better which in the moment, is everything.

I love your..energy!

Forever now it seems that people have been trying to convince me that there’s more to attraction than looks and weight. Everyone from my parents to my friends to random folk talking about dating strategies and now gurus touting ways to attract your soul mate have gone on and on about it all having to do with how you project yourself…your energy. I have been resistant to this idea, probably because I believed, and therefore saw nothing but evidence in favor of the idea, that if you’re anything but blonde, a size two with perfect skin and a natural smell like baking cupcakes that there is no chance any man will come near you with a forty meter cattle prod. I might be starting to see the error in that…finally. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of odd suitors. I just sort of presumed that they had a fetish or were in some way lacking in optical nerves…or crazy. It’s amazing what having no self-worth can convince you of.

Now that I’m thinking better of myself and feeling better as a whole, new evidence is being sought out by my subconscious. I’ve seen a lot of unorthodox looking women who are adored and cherished and downright sought after. Of course, by unorthodox I simply mean that they are real and don’t resemble the plasticized, bleached and airbrushed idea of women that I thought ALL men wanted. I’m sure many still do, but thankfully for me, it’s not all. The turning point came when out of nowhere, someone complimented me in a very bold way. Unfortunately at the time I was so shocked that I didn’t react the way I wish I had now. I panicked, said thanks and bolted. I was in my sweats from exercise, had little makeup on and had my hyper kid with me. I figured no one was looking. Someone suggested that he must have been attracted to my energy. How woo-woo can you get, right?

Well, wrong. He must have responded to something other than my looks at that point, so what would that be? You know how sometimes you just feel wrong around someone? It works the other way too. I’ve had people I instantly feel comfortable with. So, obviously, there’s much more to it than I thought. There are a lot of factors. (Like the aforementioned smell. I’m still addicted to the way my ex husband smells and I bolted from the last guy I went out with because I couldn’t stand his smell. Sounds like a Seinfeld episode, but it’s true!) So why can’t someone’s energy or vibe or whatever be just as important? I started coming around. Ok, it’s much more than looks.

Then the most important thing, character. This one hammered the point home better than any other piece of evidence. Got a favorite actor? You love them in…oh, almost everything. There’s that one character they played that just didn’t resonate with you. They weren’t nearly as attractive as usual in that. They looked the same but, yeah…character. My example of this came from Gone with the Wind. I never found Clark Gable particularly attractive. I mean, not unattractive just, meh. I’ve seen him in a lot of old films but I never really got the whole thing. Then came Rhett Butler. Wow. That man became instantly attractive and made my heart race. Why? I guess it must have been his energy 🙂

I give up! Time to eliminate a limiting belief, which means that I have no more excuses as to why I can’t engage with people. I can’t have the excuse that I’m too fat or not pretty enough because it really is about how I present myself. It might not please everybody, but I have a sneaking suspicion my new confidence will make a hell of a difference.

Thank You!

Today is a big gratitude day for a couple of reasons. One, I’m thankful that I have a coach who knows just what to do when I’m on a tear. I’ve been having a heck of a time managing myself lately, being all over the emotional map and I really got stuck for the past two days in a circle of doom! Luckily, I finally reached out to her.

Secondly, I got to drive a road I haven’t driven in a while. It’s a rustic road that winds through the vineyards but the reason I remember it fondly is more for a lesson I learned whilst being the angry impatient driver I used to be. One day, I was late as usual and on a yelling rampage in my car as was the norm back then. I looked over as I was steaming to see a guy, stopped at the light, calm as you please just laughing his head off at me. It hit me then that I was being ridiculous. It’s funny what small things can make big changes and it showed me my progress.

Thirdly, I was reminded to always appreciate my situation, even if it isn’t my ideal one yet, because you just never know who would give their right arm to be in your situation. It’s all to do with point of view, like Obi Wan said… I have a friend who has a situation that I want, one specific thing to be , well, specific. She has someone who loves her dearly and who wants to marry her. She declined the prospect out of fear. It chapped me like nothing else and I wanted to scream at her. “Do you know what I would give for a guy like that?!” The point is, the grass is always greener. Whatever you have, you want something else and you’re never satisfied. In the end, it’s a lot nicer to be thankful for what you do have and remember gratitude while you plan your upward climb. If you don’t think you have anything to be grateful for, try asking that other person who wants what you’ve got.

Wait, What?

I was having a little trouble trying to come up with a post for today. A lot of stuff has happened, but none of it is particularly worthy to share. The hormones are nutty, the boy is headed for summer vacation and then second grade, there are preparations to be made, things to sell and cleaning to be done for a possible new carpet. All fairly good, but mundane things. Nothing worthy of a rant. Then I got to work and turned on the t.v. (Yes, I have a t.v. for the slow times which do happen a lot around here). I don’t usually pay too much attention to it. It’s a noise thing. I’m alone in the office and it can be kind of creepy in the pure quiet. So, I leave it on BBC America for the soothing accents and get on with typing or paperwork, etc.

Today, getting annoyed with the channel for showing crap that is not in any way British, I turned it, and it really began to hit me. By “it” I mean commercials. It was kind of funny after a while, the completely opposing messages that were being shown. This week, I’ve been dealing with cravings and thinking a lot about my diet. Diet, diet, diet. It’s a hard transition and I started to see just how we’re set up to fail. I’d say that a good 50% to 70% of what I saw today were food commercials, luscious food commercials with burgers and chicken and tacos and all sorts of chocolate telling me to indulge myself. In the next breath, there was someone going on about the new affordable diet plan to help you lose all the weight you put on while you were busy indulging yourself in that chocolate. It was really sort of insane.

I remember something that I watched as a kid that showed you exactly what it is that people do to make the food in commercials look so good. Ice cream is actually shortening with food coloring and blow-torched a bit to make the melting effect. Hamburger buns have the sesame seeds glued on so they appear perfect. Strawberries (most usually depicted atop the aforementioned ice cream) is painted with just the right shade of lipstick for the hue of perfect ripeness. What defense does a person have against such things, especially during a fit of cravings???

It just hit me, that in order for any of us to truly eat right and healthy, we have to do a lot of research. They don’t have commercials for quinoa and fresh vegetables. There are your odd public service messages that tell you to eat your five a day, but where are the luscious salad commercials (no, not the 1100 calorie salads with that caesar dressing) and the close ups of whole grain bread with fresh veggies and fish? Right, I know. So, as people, we truly have to block all of that junk out. Even the packaged foods you’d think were o.k., labeled “healthy” and “whole grain” are most usually not telling the whole story, that they’re full of salt or chemical preservatives that you’re not likely to pronounce correctly and missing vital nutrients that we really need. It’s a maze fraught with land mines and it kind of makes me mad. (What doesn’t this week?) It may be a lot of work, but I’m going to read every food label, much to the chagrin of the guy pushing the cart behind me. I may even try to get rid of things with labels and make everything from things I know. There was a piece of advice I read somewhere that was basically saying to shop around the outer periphery of the grocery store and avoid the aisles where all the packages are. If the earth made it, eat it and if it didn’t, don’t. It’s a little bit of an oversimplification but it’s a start. I just want to live a little less sick and moody, and it can be done.

Haywire Hormones

This past week has been an interesting one. A lot of unexpected setbacks occurred not the least of which was the fact that my body has decided to go nutty. I made a somewhat rash decision this past month to give up my birth control. Had I remembered the horrors that awaited the last time the doctor switched the pills around, I might not have done it, but honestly I just got sick of taking stuff. Now, I have a condition, polycystic ovaries, which causes a lot of very serious and obvious symptoms including weight gain and acne, hair growth in horrifying places, and horrible cravings. I decided, really that I’ve had enough of it and it’s time to hit it head on. It’s a scary decision for me. I got used to “Managing” it with the pills but they really didn’t help as much as I’d like. Now, the crap has hit the fan and my whole body is sore, my cravings are horrid and I feel as puffy as the fish of that name. Why did I do this to myself?

I want this stuff gone and I know it can be done. I’m sick of being overweight. I’m sick of feeling out of control with food cravings. I’m sick of having acne at my age and I will not accept it for one more second. I’ve decided to fight. It may be partly due to the haywire hormones, but I’m pissed. As far back as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a warrior girl. I adored Wonder Woman as a kid and later Xena, Sarah Connor, the Bride from Kill Bill, all fighters and totally kick-ass women. So why on earth would I just lie down and take this from of all things, my own body? I won’t. Short answer, long battle. Again, like I said, I’ve seen it done. My coach, and I believe I found her for just this reason, is one of the women who has defeated this foe of a condition and I believe that she can help me do it too. It’s going to be a long haul of very strict control and exercise and I may have to go back to having a calorie log, which I hate, but it did work.  All I know is I’m ready, and if I go down, I’m going down swinging.