I Love You to Death

This one is a little hard to write because it’s so intensely personal, and I’ve pondered whether or not to do so. I figured however, that the lesson that came from it was big enough to go ahead and delve into my sixteen year old brain, poke around a bit and put some of it to virtual paper. What I’ve been dealing with lately, and it’s been kicking at me from the side as I work on everything else, is basically romantic relationships.  For the longest time now, and pretty much since my son was born, I’ve been on my own. It’s been a full time job raising my son and my whole life has been in overhaul. I’ve had to learn to do everything on my own and cope with being a mother, which I really never thought that I would be. It’s been a rough patch of time. On top of it, as you’ve previously read, I have a penchant for loneliness.

So, yes, I’ve pretty much longingly thought of relationships during this whole time, and actually, as a teenager, I did the same thing. I was largely alone then too, coping with some family drama which made me want more than anything for someone to come and take me away and to tell me that they loved me. Just loved me, for me. Things were rough, I felt alone and I was always the weird one to begin with. I often joke that I’ve been a goth girl since I was five, sitting in the dark and watching Bela Lugosi movies while my family stared at me sideways. “Why are you always sitting in the dark?” they’d yell. I had no idea. I was drawn to it. Fast forward about eleven years and on Christmas Day, there was a huge family fight. My parents and I left the house we shared with other members of the family and we ended up at the movies. one of the only places open. We went to the Balboa Theater in San Francisco and watched a double bill. I can’t really remember what the first film was but the second was Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

I’m not sure if any of you have had the experience of a film instantly burrowing into your mind and changing the way you saw the world, but for me, on that day that film changed my life. My sixteen year old mind latched onto those images of pure longing and love and snapped shut. I’ve held onto them even until this day. Little pieces of the style, the time period, the art still invoke a complete change of mood in me. If I listen to the music, which I tend to do when I’m stressed, I’m taken back to that place. Why do I bring this up? Because basically my idea of perfect love was based on something that I now see the large flaws in, at least where real love is concerned. I’ve held onto the idea that love is all or nothing; that if the one person was taken away from the other that they would both wither and die. That the other was everything and each would gladly die for the other in grand romantic gesture. Part of this is my natural personality. It’s no accident that the romantic period is what hold my attention or that Gothic literature is a passion. The problem with that is that no real person can possibly live up to that ideal.

So, on to what’s happened. I stumbled upon a seminar done by a wonderful and inspiring man by the name of Sean Stephenson. It was a video series on love and relationships and I almost navigated away not wanting to hear any more about manifesting my damned soul mate I’ve wanted since I first laid eyes on Gary Oldman in that top hat. What ended up happening instead was that I was engrossed. He hit a chord with me. He was honest and open and it was all presented in terms that made it sound a little less like magic. The beginning stung where I recognized some thinking I had to clear out, but then he came to a spot where he talked about things that defeat attraction. One of these things was the energy “neediness”. Guess what his definition of that energy was? You got it. Everything I illustrated above. Having the other person be “everything” is too much. So after learning that all my ideas were wrong, ow could I possibly feel so happy? (and I did) I was learning something that would help me make progress towards what it is that I really want, companionship and a deep connection. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing or an obsessive need. In fact, if it is, it will never work. It didn’t work out for them so well after all, and when you look at it, in most love stories, those things either burn out or someone dies. I think that maybe I want something better, as soon as I figure out just what that is. Even when I do, I think I might still stare into the fog waiting to just maybe see that dark figure waiting for me to take me away. If it works out though, I may lose the urge altogether. I can dream can’t I?

Regeneration

In case you haven’t noticed by now, I’m a sci-fi geek…and a video game geek…..and, well all forms of geek really, so naturally when I’m looking for a metaphor, most likely it’ll be something like this. Working on personal growth usually leads to some weirdness and nothing is more apt today, or any day, than Doctor Who.

So, basically I’ve been working on figuring out not only who I am, but who I need to be in order to be able to take the action I need to take and get the kind of life I want. I’ve been playing around with things in my head and in writing and it’s all sort of been an exercise. Not a lot has changed yet, or so it seemed until something rather mundane happened. I was getting dressed and I looked down at what I was wearing and what I looked like and my instant thought was “What the heck is this? I don’t wear this. Who is this supposed to be?” It seemed so small a thing, but it was very indicative of something bigger.

Now, if you’re not familiar, I should elaborate a bit. The Doctor is a time traveler, the last of his race and he has the ability to, after a usually fatal event such as being exposed to ridiculous amounts of radiation or energy, to regenerate himself. His whole being changes, his face, his personality, etc. He basically becomes a whole new person but with the same memories and knowledge that he’s always had. See, told you it was apt 🙂

During this process of affirmations and study and processing old hurts, I’d already started to turn into that new person. Like the Doctor after his regeneration, I have to figure out all of the new things I like, what clothes suit, that I actually want to eat fish & custard instead of apples which were my previous favorite, and what my new disposition is. It’s a neat thing to experience and to contemplate. Who is that supposed to be? We’ll see. I’m not sure yet…still cooking 😉

Stop Punching Yourself…

Ever get the feeling that you’re fighting yourself? Like you’re your own worst enemy with the negative antidote to every good intention you ever have? Yeah, me too. Self -sabotage seems to run rampant with me, despite my sincere and strong intention otherwise. Some stupid track just keeps running itself ragged inside the old noggin and before you know it, bam! More super obvious stuff has come to my attention this week but it’s rather important obvious stuff that I really needed to know. It’s just the kind of thing that can stop my self-bashing in a real way and, in short, it was kind of cool.

I don’t remember much of the conversations I’ve had with my parents, other than the fact that my dad seems to be super-negative and has an excuse for everything under the sun. My mom, however, has always been a source of hope to me and my best friend for as long as I can remember. So when I had some real conversations with her recently around stuff that she’s been dealing with, I was rather gobsmacked (I love that word!) when I heard a lot of my negative beliefs coming out of her. Naturally, you have your ideas about the world shaped more than anything by the beliefs of your parents, but I really couldn’t remember any of this stuff, and it’s all stuff I’ve been struggling with lately…all coming out of my mom.

This process at times makes me feel like I’m fighting against myself and losing. Without getting into specifics, a lot of very negative beliefs about what I’m capable of and what other people are like have been a point of struggle and I’ve sort of had the long standing idea that this is just who I am, my personality. The freeing part of all of this is the understanding that it isn’t. All of this stuff is learned behavior. I am not, in fact, fighting against my inherent self and that realization has made a huge difference. If I learned how to think this way, I can learn how to think a new way. It doesn’t have to be a fight, it’s just a learning progression which is really nice. It makes it easier and besides, I had some serious doubts I could take me in the final boss fight…

Alone Again, Naturally

Believe it or not, this is not a mopey post! Oh sure, I’m feeling mopey…a bit. On the bigger and more important side though, I’m in the midst of a realization. Another learning experience, yay! It’s actually more of a retake on a test I keep failing.

So, as I was walking through the large cavernous chapel in the funeral home where I work I was feeling a little down about yet another of my friends getting engaged. It is summer after all, wedding season. This year it seems to be hitting like a mallet on my home front. So, yeah, I was feeling it a little bit when I realized what my focus was on, loneliness.

There’s a saying. “Energy flows where your attention goes”. Basically it means that you get what your focused on. If you’re focused on lack, you get to have more of it and you unconsciously make decisions that bring you more of it.  Another thing I’ve heard is that you can look at your outer reality to see a reflection of your inner reality. This morning I found myself as isolated as I could be, standing in an empty chapel, in an empty office on my own and I thought to myself, “Wow, you’ve really manifested this loneliness thing well.” I’ve really done it to myself. All of my focus for so long has been on the fact that I’m alone and lonely and that’s exactly what I’ve gotten. Apparently, I’m a fantastic manifester and that’s really good news!

The harder part is changing the focus. It’s hard to repeat that you’re attractive and attracting friends and relationships when you’re sitting in a void and really believe it. It’s hard to focus on having what you don’t have when you’re in the middle of feeling the fact that you don’t have it! I’m thinking that I’m finally getting to the bottom of the fake it till you make it, “living as if” process. Whenever I catch myself in this funk, it’s time to pretend the exact opposite. To radiate the feeling of being surrounded by love and companionship. I just hope that I’m as good at acting on the other side of the coin, because those are the results I want. Time to pull out the old acting skills and pretend as fully as my seven year old does. He feels the excitement of having his men beside him in battle and he believes every minute of it. Some days it takes quite a bit of effort to wake him out of his reveries. An astrologer once told me that my kid being as free as he is is meant to teach me. I’m now inclined to agree. I have a lot to learn from that kid 🙂

You Can’t Go Home Again

Everybody can get into a rut. Sometimes a rut can go on for months or even years before you realize you’ve been stuck in the middle of one and boy, was I stuck. I was reading something about getting into the vibration of love, and in order to do that, to go find your bliss and do what you love. I realized in reading that, that my son and I always do the same boring chore related activities every weekend and never have any fun to speak of. That’s no kind of childhood to have! It’s no life for me either so, I decided to take us on an adventure.

What I planned on was to revisit the place where I spent most of my time as a kid and to show my kid what was so great about it. The Academy of Sciences in San Francisco was the main hangout of my mother and I and I loved that place like nothing else. They are having an exhibit about snakes and so it was a perfect time to go. The reptile house and the alligator habitat was always my first stop. I was also excited because I haven’t been able to go since the major renovation that went on and I was really excited to see it. The boy and I hit the road and went back into the city where I usually feel so at home and myself. This time, things were a little different for me and I’m not sure why.

Crossing the bridge didn’t phase me like it usually does. Normally, I get instant calm and peace once I reach that landmark of home. The next was the extreme difficulty in getting to the place. I’d forgotten all of our quick routes and once I finally got to the doors and looked out across the concourse, I barely recognized it. The feeling I was after wasn’t there. Now, once we got in there, the place did not disappoint. It was a spectacular afternoon. The boy had a ball looking at everything and he had a really good time. We even went into the cafeteria for hot dogs the way my mom and I used to do, only this time I was the mommy. It was a weird feeling. I guess the big difference is me. Yes, the landscape is different but so am I. The feelings and wonderment are all new and it’s something good. It’s change and I’m embracing it. On our way home, I actually felt like I was going home instead of leaving it. It was oddly freeing. It made me realize that I can find joy anywhere, not necessarily in who I used to be, but in who I am, where I am, wherever that happens to be.

Oh! I get it…

Last night was a fun one. It was a simple, chore filled, KISS enduring typical evening. The boy wanted to watch a Kiss concert that was streaming and I figured it would be ok, despite my disinterest. I had things to do anyway. I got on with it. I did my affirmations just because I had a few minutes and I decided to revisit something that my coach brought up in an email in the morning. A kid’s show that my son and I both really like and an episode that had to do with the clearing on the chakras.

I wasn’t paying much mind in particular to the whole chakra thing. I’ve heard of them and looked into it a bit just to have some idea what my blockages would be. I listened to a webinar for a new chakra healing website and took some notes and my friend, who’s an energy healer, had me pretty well convinced by the work he’s done on me over the years that the whole energy idea is real. It was enough to get me past my snarky skepticism.  I’ve also seen that episode a bunch of times and just wanted a refresher from that different point of view. From there it all hit the fan.

Now, all of this would be obvious to a normal person. Why is all this stuff coming up? Why do I keep getting all this old stuff dredged up if I don’t know what to do with it? How do I deal with it? What’s the purpose of all this??!!! So, I watched the episode unfold and as one explanation went by, up came the problem that was the blockage. Then the next, and another thing the signs and wonders brought up came up clearly as having to do with that. On and on it went, like clockwork, with precision. I had no doubt by the end of that in the concept of divine timing. Now, me being me, I freaked out a bit, I doubted myself, I thought I was maybe losing my mind, but there it all was, right in front of me. I even emailed the painfully obvious to my coach simply because everything lined up so perfectly, I wanted someone to know. So, I guess it’s time to open my chakras 🙂

As weird as all of this has been, and how it’s shaken my whole view of how the world works, it’s actually made me excited to see what the future holds. All of this work and the building of faith that I’m being supported must be leading to something bigger. I just hope I have the stomach to keep going!

Something the Lord Made

Glee. For good or bad, it’s been a mainstay in the house. The boy loves it. He loves all of the songs and lately, he’s been moving more and more toward theatricality. It’s always been there in a less focused form. He’s always danced, sung, made up scenes and acted them out, and had his very own strong sense of what he will and will not wear. None of these things came from me and I’m sure that none of these things came from his father, in the nurturing sense at least.

So I was watching him last night doing his version of the Lady Gaga dance. She is his new favorite thing. It’s been an escalation from Queen on to Kiss for a minute and now to Gaga. He informed me that he would now like to have a bug outfit complete with spider gloves, bee glasses and a giant scorpion for his head so he can dance. It killed me because he was so completely serious. So what does this have to do with anything personal growth related? My son is completely his own thing. He is unapologetically himself. He likes what he likes and he acts out who he is without a second thought and it’s wonderful. He’s so brave and I hope he never loses that, though common sense tells me it’ll be berated out of him in high school. It’s amazing how we try so hard to bury ourselves in the norm in high school only to spend the rest of our lives trying to set ourselves apart and find our real selves again. It’s sad, but I digress.

I was doing laps yesterday, trying to figure out what I was punishing myself for. I know that all of the bad behaviors, the bad eating, the beating myself up for this or that is all incorporated in punishing myself for not being good enough. I can’t possibly love myself if I’m not good enough. But then I asked myself the big question. Who am I not good enough for? Where does this feeling of unworthiness come from? I somewhere feel that I am not worthy of love or worthy of acceptance, but what makes anyone worthy? Are you more than I or I more than you and why? All of us are flawed so how can such comparisons be made?

What hit me is this. As a parent, I am unconditionally accepting of my son. I love him simply because he is. I loved him before he was born. He came into this world as he is and I wouldn’t have it any other way so why can’t I say the same about myself? I am worthy because I exist. The universe saw fit to put me here and that simple fact alone means that I am worthy of my own love. I mean, if we’re good enough for God/The Universe, we should be good enough for ourselves right? So the whole idea threw me and I began to repeat a simple thing to myself to remind me that yeah, I was made and approved of and I can let that force shape me into a better me by accepting it. And just as a kick in the pants to confirm my train of thought, today another post reaffirmed that idea by quoting none other than the Lady herself. She says it well and it’s worth repeating.

“There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are, ‘cuz He made you perfect babe”. 

Amen.

Pastoral Symphony

Like everywhere else, the weather is odd here this year. Yesterday it hailed, which made me happy and today it’s rainy which also makes me happy. The smell of wet grass has done a lot to lift me out of this week’s funk. My brain trying hard to catch up with what I’m doing to it and last night’s result was a ridiculous bout of insomnia. NO sleep at all. Today, my tiredness threatened to make me depressed and slow again but after yesterday’s revelation, my fight came right up to challenge it.

Wallowing is no longer an option. I can sit and feel loneliness or I can try to find something to pull me up to  place of gratitude so that I can feel better. Gratitude really is the answer. I pulled out my new affirmations that I wrote, and after making fun of myself a bit a la Stuart Smalley, (I mean, who can resist that?)I still felt a little run down. I decided to continue my affirmations outside and what a difference it made.

Little things like listening to the light tapping of the raindrops into the branches of the trees punctuated with the cheerful chatter of the birds was just the jolt of positive energy I needed. It not only woke me up, it infused me with more grateful energy. It truly turned my whole day around. Even now as the rain starts up again, I’m feeling better just hearing it and smelling the fresh leaves and seeing the birds flit around from tree to tree. It’s a good reminder to me that there are things to be grateful for everywhere if you just take the focus off of yourself for a second and look around you.

Coming About

So, I’ve been challenged by my coach to write at least one positive thing about me a week . I really didn’t think that would be hard. One a week. OK. It’s taken me almost that long to come up with one! The seafaring metaphors have come up thick I imagine not only because of my affinity for my dear Captain Hook but for my new obsession with the Royal Navy due to Horatio Hornblower and others. It’s turned out to be apt.

My main goal, to change my way of thinking, is not an easy one day thing. It’s a constant vigil of catching old patterns and changing them with the repetition of new thought patterns and behaviors. My coach has referred to this as a 180 degree shift and I have to agree. I have to steer my ship and come about all the way. That’s not an easy maneuver to make. This little ship of mine has been careening towards the rocks for a long while now and it’s time to drop one anchor and come about hard. The past few days have held some inclement weather. I’ve encountered some chop and it’s blasted me back and forth a bit, but it did bring to the forefront one of the things that I do like about myself. I refuse to lose.

It may not seem after several of my posts that I have a fighting spirit but I do. I get down sometimes, but I’m not one for giving up, especially when I’m faced with doom. I’m a fighter and I always come out better on the other end, no matter the beating. So, what I’m doing is taking this on as a fight. My weight, my medical problems, my attitude on some days need to be soundly beaten like a rival ship firing their cannons on me. They need to be sunk. If I treat this as a battle, there’s no way I will fail. The fact that I’m fighting against my old self makes it all the more important. I don’t like where she was going, what she was doing or what the effects of any of it were going to be. It’s already changed. I’m steering us in the other direction and I will win. I’m not letting this ship sink.

Now that this shift has occurred, I expect some results to start to show pretty soon. Once I get mad, I get determined and victory isn’t far behind. Being the captain of the ship means that giving up isn’t an option and it never has been for me. When I was laid up after a particularly awful car accident, my fight was there, my drive. I made it through that like I will make it through this. My will won’t be conquered, even  by me! So stay tuned folks, the fireworks are coming soon. Huzza!

The Lonesome Traveler

We’re well into springtime. Ah Spring.. mating season… when all the lovely animals in search of a mate wander out expectantly into the sunrise and get their brains spilled onto the asphalt by an unforseen semi truck. Or maybe that’s just me. More and more of my friends and acquaintances seem to be pairing off into blissful happiness. Gushy posts and googly eyes are going around. I wish I weren’t envious but I am. In the meantime, I’m getting emails about teleconferences to help me attract my soul mate, to make me magnetic to”the one”, to save me from my single status and my misery.

This, in short, is the time of year when I get cynical. I don’t mean to be and God knows it won’t help me in the quest to be a little less alone. It’s an issue of frustration for me. I have to love myself. I have to work on myself and apparently, i have to be by myself. I’ve been also getting ads in the inbox for every dating site I’ve ever tried. It all just makes my stomach hurt. I’ve tried to get out of the house, to do things I enjoy, but it’s really difficult. It truly feels like me and my little boy against the world sometimes.

I’m making plans to do more fun stuff with him so at least he has a decent childhood with adventures and good memories of science experiments and trips and laughing fits. I want him to be happy but it’s hard to have a happy kid with a miserable mother. The trick here is to love yourself enough to not need anyone. Then you’re ready to have someone in your life the right way. It’s a catch-22 to me at this point. I just have to keep walking the solitary walk, like the good doctor. A companion may be there from time to time, but all the big battles are fought alone and the one you need to count on is yourself